The latest poll of polls show Amnesia in a virtual dead heat with Apathy in the race for the White House. Just last week, Amnesia held a commanding lead of nearly 14% nationwide. But Apathy is closing the gap.
"The inability for Americans to remember anything newsworthy for more than a day is a powerful factor in this election," explained political psychologist Walter Dimwitsky. "but total laziness and sloth have been gaining ground, especially among younger voters."
Some polls even show Apathy with a slight lead in the upper Rust Belt. But these two leading contenders are not alone: Ignorance remains a strong third, while Misguided Anger and Idiot Worship trail at 11% and 15%, respectively.
"Idiot Worship is the wild card in this race" explained pollster Jack Whipstraw. "It has a much wider base among middle-aged white men with handlebar moustaches. When combined with Bigotry and Religious Zealotry, it actually leads in several swing states."
Compassion and Awareness dropped out early in the race, polling at only 0.5% and 0.6% respectively. "We hope to run on a third party ticket," said Compassion spokesperson Erika Sledge. This angered the Apathy camp, for fear that it could be a spoiler in the general election.
Derrick Hoop, Amnesia's campaign manager, is hoping for a total blowout in November. "Our ratings tanked after that embarrassing remark last week about selling undocumented immigrants 'for spare parts'. Luckily, most Americans completely forgot about it a few days later. Amnesia's back on top!"
Of course, the big question is: who will the nominees choose as running mates? There are rumors that Apathy might pick Mindless Consumption for its VP. "It's a winning ticket," said voter Mary Ziplock, between mouthfuls of Gummi Bears and ranch dressing. As for Amnesia, there are several hopefuls on the "short list", including Misogyny, Contempt for the Poor, Gun Fetish, and of course, Climate Change Denial.
However, despite Amnesia's surge in the polls, it still hasn't made significant inroads with women, minorities, and voters who can spell. "If Amnesia gets into the White House, we're screwed," said undecided voter Paula Gaeta. She offered her thoughts on the official campaign slogan. "Make Amnesia Great Again? Forget about it!"
