November 9, 2016: after a nail-biter of an election night, the final results are in, and Donald Trump has won the White House by a historically razor-thin margin of one vote. The destiny of America has now been altered for generations to come, all because one person didn't vote. And that person is Dick Shlubman, a 34 year-old part-time slacker from Sarasota, Florida.
Reporters tried to speak with Shlubman, who lives in his mother's basement with his bong, his X-BOX, and his bald parrot Alfred. But Mr. Shlubman wasn't awake yet, as it was only 4:15 in the afternoon.
After a manual recount, the final tally was 62,565,308 for Mr. Trump, and 62,565,307 for Mrs. Clinton. "We've had close elections before", said political scientist Gerald Flock, "but this is truly uncharted territory. In a nation of 350 million, one nondescript loafer has decided the fate of the 2016 election, and thus the fate of the world, by not voting."
And so Dick Shlubman stumbled onto the world stage through his lack of civic duty. Because of him, Donald Trump will be president. And Hillary Clinton will not. Millions of Americans will lose their health care. Millions more will be unfairly deported. The ice caps will melt, bubonic plague will return, sharks will rain from the sky, all the milk will spoil, and the sun will go supernova and swallow the solar system. All because Dick Shlubman refused to vote.
"I wanted to make a political statement," explained the 34 year-old couch pilot. "I could never vote for Hillary. The woman started World War II and Viet Nam, and then caused 9/11 while drinking puppy smoothies and cackling maniacally. And then she lied about it." When questioned about the imminent collapse of America resulting from his non-vote, Mr. Shlubman shrugged. "Let it burn. I'm teaching America a lesson." Dick Shlubman spent his trust fund getting bailed out after being arrested for running naked through traffic, covered in BernieOrBust face paint. "It totally blew up on Instagram," said Shlumpman from his bong water-stained beanbag chair, "now I've got hundreds of followers!"
President-Elect Trump sent a thank-you letter and a five-dollar tip to Shlubman for his service. Rumors are swirling that he might become Secretary of Apathy in Trump's cabinet.
"See? Even the little guy can change the world," said a smug Shlubman, just as he and his bald parrot were swept away in a tsunami of plague-infested sharks, poverty and curdled milk.