Last week, Congress outlawed reality. The new law will officially make reality a crime, while ushering in dozens of "illusion-based" policies. "We must protect our freedom from reality," said Rep Bevin Picklewick (R) Florida. "We simply can't allow our children's minds to be polluted with stuff like issues and facts."
"America will be free from the shackles of reality once and for all!" said jubilant reality-hater Winny Stompwash. Once in effect, anything to do with reality will be prohibited, and anyone practicing the "dark arts" of reality will be sentenced to death. "Try anything real, and we'll hang you for real!" exclaimed Senator Jake Buckskin (R) Texas.
Lawmakers had tried to outlaw reality several years ago. But they lost by three votes, and reality prevailed as the law of the land. The anti-reality backlash was fierce. Billions of dollars in dark money were poured into the mid-term elections, and a wave of magical thinkers were swept into power. Known as the Illusion-Revolution, they began a relentless assault on all things empirical, mathematical, or observable to the human eye.
"Climate change. Poverty. Schools. Health care. Potholes. These so called "issues" are traps laid by realists to divert us from the glorious truth," explained Charles Bumbleweed, chairman of the Committee on Magical Thinking.
Now that reality has been abolished, Congress will immediately get to work on a magical "truth" agenda:
- Americans must pledge their loyalty to the Tooth Fairy, and eat only grape Jell-O.
- Fetuses will be allowed to vote and carry firearms.
- Unicorns will fix the economy.
- Earth will celebrate its 2643rd birthday next Friday. All are required to attend the festivities.
"Truth Trumps Reality!" chanted a thrilled crowd as they stomped on a bunch of science books and glass beakers. 41 year-old magical thinker Howard Glock cut up his bare feet as he stomped. "I would normally go to the hospital to clean out my wounds and get some stitches. But that would be reality-based, not to mention illegal." Howard started chanting mystical prayers (approved by Congress) to heal his injuries. He died the next day.
And so, reality is now history in today's America. Actually, one type of reality has been allowed to survive. As of yesterday, Congress officially approved a loophole for Reality TV.