In an embarrassing schedule mix-up, several crazed gunmen arrived at the same shopping mall at the same time to commit their mass shootings. They collided with each other awkwardly near the food court, unaware that they had triple-booked the venue.
"What's happened to our country? It's like you can't even shoot up a public place alone anymore," said visibly upset gunman #2. "These other crazed gunmen are cramping my style!"
The sheer volume of crazed gunmen lately has created a shortage of available locations for mass shootings. "Scheduling fiascos like this are only going to happen more often," explained Minister of Violence Tex Goobler. "If we're going to fix the problem, we've got to create a system whereby crazed gunmen don't just stumble into each other at the same shooting site."
"The school down the street was already booked through next month," said crazed gunman #1, "And the church across town doesn't have any openings until next year. I figured the mall would be wide open. My day is ruined!"
Gun enthusiasts are calling for a streamlined reservation system (much like booking an airline seat), in which crazed gunmen can pre book their mass shooting site up to a month in advance. There is even talk of an easy-to-use app to help prevent redundant mass shootings. "Shoot-em app!", will allow crazed gunmen to select an available time and place to conduct their massacres, all with a finger-swipe from their iPhone. "It's like Uber for shooters!" said 2nd Amendment buff Jake Hawley.
Liberals were quick to pounce on the idea. "The 'Shoot-em-app' will only enable these lunatics," said non-violence fanatic Wanda Frelin. "We need fewer crazed gunmen, not more!" This drew howls of outrage from the crazed gunman community. "Deranged, out of control maniacs are people too!" said gunman #3.
Next week, a crazed gunman convention is scheduled at the Smith & Wesson Arena in Dallas. Over 65,000 armed-to-the-teeth, mentally unhinged wingnuts are expected to attend. Security will be tight. Violence Minister Tex Goobler warned, "Anybody caught without a firearm will be ejected from the building."
