Celebrity quarterback Champion McHotRod was finally acquitted of all rape charges yesterday. The beloved athlete had endured months of demoralizing courtroom drama after being accused of assaulting and raping several unconscious women at a Super Bowl after-party.
"Boys will be boys", explained his lawyer Vince Carboni. The courtroom (packed with McHotRod fans) erupted in cheers when his "innocent" verdict was read. "God bless America and her awesome justice system", said an exuberant Champion McHotRod. The exonerated rapist's salary will now jump from a paltry 12 million to 25 million next season, not including holiday bonuses.
"A pay raise?" exclaimed women's rights activist Thelma Bartles. "What kind of punishment is that? Rape's a felony, last time I heard." But NFL spokesman Jack Ballsack pushed back. "Our athletes are national treasures. We can't let one night of mischief bring down a hero. Plus, punishing our cherished quarterback would tarnish his game."
Indeed, the not-so-harsh treatment of rock-star athletes has become the new normal. Basketball phenomenon Wendell Fleckman punched his mother in the face and threw his girlfriend out of his Ferrari. He was sentenced to thirty days at a five star resort in Bahrain, with pay. "Mr. Fleckman is under strict orders to relax, enjoy the ladies, and think about his anger issues," explained Anaheim Juggernauts coach Chip Hangstrap. "Plus, we have no extradition treaty with Bahrain, so Mr. Fleckman is safe from American prosecutors."
As for law enforcement, discipline is often on the lighter side as well. Officer Braxton Swagger shot a toddler in the back during a whiskey-induced blackout. After a thorough investigation, Officer Swagger will receive twenty years of paid administrative leave, plus a Swiss chalet on the shores of Lake Geneva.
In light of all this harassment, numerous privileged offenders have banded together. The "Bro-Victims Club" consists of wealthy rapists, wife beaters and murderers who have been traumatized by the legal system. The wood paneled room is filled with red leather chairs, boxes of Cuban cigars and mounted animal heads. "It's a safe harbor for victims like us", explained born-again celebrity golf-rapist Chesnick Jackweed. Membership starts at $500,000 per year.
So how does America feel about rich rapists getting raises? "Keep them out of jail," said football super-fan Hank Strongman, "as long they keep scoring touchdowns!"