In a stunning development, Donald Trump's wig emerged from surgery in stable condition after having a colossal 280-pound tumor removed.
The wig, which had been trailing in the polls, appeared before supporters Friday, where it flapped confidently in the breeze to a thunderous applause. "The Trump wig's in tip top shape," said Trump Wig campaign manager Clarence Gobstock, "We can put to rest once and for all that our candidate had some sort of health issue."
Rumors were swirling around the twittersphere that the blonde wig had a "crippling illness" that could "seriously affect its ability to govern". Video clips from recent Trump Wig rallies showed disturbing evidence that something was wrong. "Look at the footage," said CNN anchor Blitz Wolfer. "This bulbous misshapen mass of man-shaped flesh is protruding right out from under the wig. At some points, it even seems that this oversized tumor is speaking, rudely interrupting the wig to make dangerous and offensive remarks."
Many were calling into question the Trump wig's ability to lead the nation. "Just another obvious sign of weakness", said anti-wig spokesperson Alice Cleaver, "I mean, how can you expect to run the free world if you've got a 280-pound tumor hanging from your scalp?
Reports from the hospital give an almost ghoulish description of the tumor. "This malignant growth was unlike anything I've ever seen", said head surgeon Walter Pickens, "it had eyeballs, ears, nostrils, lips, teeth, orange skin, even tiny articulating digits." The surgically removed mass was put into a vat of vinegar and pickled so it could be studied by future medical students.
The wig endured nearly twelve hours of delicate surgery to have the life-threatening tumor removed. First, the 280-pound mass had to be lanced, and carefully drained of toxic pus. "It filled several five-gallon paint buckets," said assistant surgeon Helen Bonheur. Next, surgeons proceeded with the dangerous job of cutting away the freshly lanced tumor. Finally, the wig was given a vigorous shampoo, slicked back with mousse, and put back on the campaign trail.
"Our candidate is stronger than ever," said campaign manager Clarence Gobstock. "That tumor was just a speedbump on the road to the White House." The latest battleground poll indicates a surge of sympathy support for the Trump wig.
But in a surprise twist, the tumor-free wig started changing its tune. At its latest rally, it downplayed its usual theme of fear, bigotry, misogyny and divisiveness. There were even hints of tolerance and logic. This infuriated many of its loyal followers. Jethro Hogdink, a die hard Trump wig supporter felt betrayed. "Screw the wig. I'll vote for the tumor!"