In a stunning development, Donald Trump's wig emerged from surgery in stable condition after having a colossal 280-pound tumor removed.
The wig, which has been faltering in the polls, appeared before supporters Friday, where it flapped confidently in the breeze to a thunderous applause. "The Trump wig's in tip top shape," said Trump Wig Handler Clarence Gobstock, "We can put to rest once and for all that the wig has some sort of mental health issue."
Rumors were swirling around the twittersphere that the wig had a "crippling illness" that could "seriously affect its ability to govern". Video clips from recent Trump Wig rallies showed disturbing evidence that something was wrong. "Look at the footage," said CNN anchor Blitz Wolfer. "This bulbous misshapen mass of man-shaped flesh is protruding right out from under the wig. At some points, the oversized tumor howls and shrieks, hurling insults and lies right into the audience."
Many were calling into question the Trump wig's ability to lead the nation. "Just another obvious sign of weakness", said anti-wig spokesperson Alice Cleaver, "I mean, how can you expect to run the free world if you've got a 280-pound tumor hanging from your hairline?"
"This malignant growth is unlike anything I've ever seen", said head surgeon Walter Pickens, "it had eyeballs, ears, nostrils, lips, teeth, orange skin, even tiny articulating digits."
The wig endured nearly twelve hours of delicate surgery to have the life-threatening tumor removed. First, the 280-pound mass had to be lanced, and carefully drained of toxic pus. "It filled several five-gallon paint buckets," said assistant surgeon Helen Bonheur. Next, surgeons proceeded with the dangerous job of cutting away the freshly lanced tumor. Finally, the wig was given a vigorous shampoo, slicked back with mousse, and put back on the rally trail. The surgically removed mass was put into a vat of vinegar and pickled so it could be studied by future medical students.
"Our wig is stronger than ever," said Wig Handler Clarence Gobstock. "That tumor was just a speedbump in an otherwise perfect presidency." The latest battleground poll indicates a surge of sympathy support for the Trump wig.
But in a surprise twist, the tumor-free wig started changing its tune. At its latest rally, it downplayed its usual theme of fear, bigotry, misogyny and divisiveness. There were even hints of tolerance and logic. This infuriated the wig's base. Jethro Hogdink, a die hard Trump wig supporter felt betrayed. "Screw the wig. I'll vote for the tumor!"
