One by one, they're dunking their faces into the turd-bowl. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz gleefully joined the growing list of Republicans who have decided to go "bobbing for turds" in a desperate effort to create the illusion of party unity.
"Bobbing for turds" is a trendy new spin on the traditional Halloween game of "bobbing for apples". Fresh juicy apples are replaced with swirling loops of human poop. Up to twenty of these are placed in a vat filled with sewer water. The objective is to dunk one's head into the fetid tank, and try to get the largest mouthful.
"We need to show the world that we're solidly (and liquidly) behind our president," said a sheepish Cruz, "so I will hold my breath for up to forty-five minutes while I fill my mouth with other peoples' excrement." The GOP has been divided over whether to pack their faces with feces. A small contingency of moderate Republicans chose to avoid the unsanitary practice of gobbling human waste. "Even though it originated within our own party, I cannot, in good conscience dunk my head into a tub of turds," stated Senator Mitt Romney (R) Utah. The growing rift between shit eaters and shit haters has threatened to tear the GOP apart, jeopardizing the very heart and colon of the party.
But with scandal lapping at their pant-legs, most Republicans are being drawn to the seductive stink. Among those who have already chosen to swan-dive into the pool of stool: Lindsay Graham, Rick Scott, Joni Ernst, Dennis Rodman, Kid Rock, and of course Ted Nugent. "If you're not bobbing for corn-speckled turds, then you're a traitor!" said Mitch McConnell, as he wiped a poop-stain off his chins.
"Oooh! I got a sinker!" exclaimed Lisa Murkowski (R) Alaska, as she plunged shoulder-deep into the turd tub. She surfaced, smiling a shit-eating grin of party unity.
But with the election less than a year away, will the party be able to coalesce around such a putrescent and overpowering stench? "It's the glue that holds us together," said an upbeat Sean Hannity.
Perhaps Idaho Senator Mike Crapo said it best: "Look, when faced with the prospect of universal health care, LGBT rights, and common-sense gun laws, I'd rather catch a foot-long turd in my teeth any day!"
