One by one, they're dunking their faces into the turd-bowl. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz reluctantly joined the growing list of Republicans who have decided to go "bobbing for turds" in a final desperate effort to create the illusion of party unity.
"Bobbing for turds" is a trendy new spin on the traditional Halloween game of "bobbing for apples". Fresh juicy apples are replaced with swirling loops of human poop. Up to twenty of these are placed in a vat filled with sewer water. The objective is to dunk one's head into the fetid tank, and try to get the largest mouthful.
"We need to show the world that we're solidly 'behind' our presidential nominee," said a sheepish Cruz, "so I will hold my breath for up to forty-five seconds while I fill my mouth with other peoples' excrement." The GOP has been divided over whether to pack their faces with feces. A large contingency of moderate Republicans chose to avoid the unsanitary practice of gobbling human waste. "Even though it originated within our own party, I cannot, in good conscience dunk my head into a tub of turds," stated former Secretary of State Colin Powell. The growing rift between shit eaters and shit haters has threatened to tear the GOP apart, jeopardizing the very heart and colon of the party.
But as the race tightens, a number of Republicans are being drawn to the seductive stink. Among those who have already chosen to swan-dive into the pool of stool: Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, Dennis Rodman, Kid Rock, and of course Ted Nugent. "If you're not bobbing for corn-speckled turds, then you're a traitor!" said former Rep. Michelle Bachman, as she wiped a poop-stain off her chin.
"Ooh! I got a sinker!" exclaimed Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback as he plunged shoulder-deep into the turd tub. He surfaced, smiling a shit-eating grin of party unity.
But as the election draws closer, will the party be able to coalesce around such a putrescent and overpowering stench? "It's the glue that holds us together," said an upbeat Sean Hannity.
Perhaps Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said it best: "Look, when faced with the prospect of universal health care, LGBT rights, and common-sense gun laws, I'd rather catch a foot-long turd in my teeth any day!"