In a study released last week, nearly 100% of people only read headlines. That factor increases to nearly 101% when the headline is less than two words long and is printed in really scary sexy 800-point font.
"We are now in the post-content age", said Minister of Shallowness Harvey Shtick. "All those tiny words below the headline, those boring and confusing sentences and paragraphs, no one reads that shit. Unless it's about themselves."
According to surveys, people don't read beyond the headline, because it's "really hard and exhausting." The attention span of the average reader has also fallen by 88.3 percent since 2000, as they are often distracted by another, even huger headline (or something shiny) before they ever read the article.
"Ten inch font - that's the new normal," stated Minister of Laziness Slog Slothwell. "If you can't read it from across the room - then it's a waste of time."
However, a new finding has just revealed that nobody reads at all. Not even the headlines. An astonishing zero percent of the population has neither the time nor the desire to absorb any written content. Therefore, if you have made it this far into the article, you have been manipulated by a misleading headline that has nothing to do with the material you are reading now. In fact, another study indicates that everybody reads articles all the time, at least twice. "No one reads headlines anymore, they're too big and simplistic, "explained Minister of DoubleThink Jerry Suckback, "today's citizen longs for depth and complexity, hoping to nurture and challenge the imagination."
But most astonishing of all, a study released last week has proven that nearly 100% of people read only headlines. But that would be true if you had read only the headline.
