Does life begin at conception? No, says the Extreme Court. Life begins before conception... in fact life begins as soon as a guy checks out a girl's butt.

The Pre-Conception Act was declared law today by the Ministry of Religious Freedom. God-fearing patriots across the Theocratic States of America are celebrating the landmark measure. "This protects every life, even before it exists", said Rep. Paul O'Douche R-Kansas. "As soon as a man catches a glimpse of thong, or perhaps a sliver of lady thigh, he is a father, and she is a mother in the eyes of our lord God Almighty."

The Pre-Conception Act will make tens of millions of teenagers into instant parents. The law will require any male who admires a woman's feminine virtues to marry her and lay down with her in "godly and procreative coitus", and bring forth a baby. Immediately.

Democrats quickly tried to work out a compromise, allowing for a "3 second rule". If a man looks at a hot babe for 2.9 seconds or less, he will not be compelled to marry and reproduce with her. Of course, this idea was quickly scuttled by the Republican hyper-majority.

"All life is sacred and holy" said Senator Manford Whitehead of Arkansas,
"even if it's only a gleam in your eye. And we can't allow that gleam to get squelched by some blasphemous butcher."

According to the Pre-Conception Act, if a man even glances at a cute girl at some mall, and does nothing about it, they are both committing murder. "It's murder straight and simple!" said Pastor Fortright Crankworth of the Milkwood Mississippi Megachurch. "You want to stop killing babies? Then shut your eyes in the presence of a lady!"

Concerned Lovers of Life, a fundamentalist group, has advocated enforcing a head to toe garment to fully cover women when in public. This will allow men to walk freely "without automatically becoming fathers". The "baby burka" will have eye holes, ear flaps, and a mouth hole, and will be available ten sizes and numerous colors, including camouflage and tie-dye.

Bill Oakes, a freelance carpenter and a drummer in a local band, is the first male to be punished under the new law. After appreciating the sexy back tattoo on a cute girl in the audience, he did not go forth and multiply with her. Bill is now convicted of first degree murder, and could face life, or possibly death.

Advocates of the Pre-Conception Amendment plan to push it even further, making it a crime to even think about an attractive member of the opposite sex. "Unless you plan on fathering a child, think about something else, like golf, or machine guns," said a smiling U.S. Rep. Paul O'Douche, "Then you won't go to prison."

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume