Does life begin at conception? No, says the new U.S. Congress. It has now decided that life begins before conception... in fact life begins as soon as a guy checks out a girl's butt.
The GOP dominated House and Senate finally passed the
Pre-Conception Amendment. Religious groups across the Theocratic States of America are celebrating the landmark measure. "This protects every one, even before they're conceived", said Rep. Paul O'Douche R-Kansas. "As soon as a man catches a glimpse of thong, or perhaps a sliver of lady thigh, he is a father, in the eyes of the lord God Almighty."
The Pre-Conception Amendment will make tens of millions of teenage boys into mandatory fathers. The Constitutional Amendment will compel any male who checks out a girl's hooters, or admires her lips or feminine curves, to marry her and lay down with her in "godly and procreative intercourse", and bring forth a baby. Immediately.
Democrats quickly tried to work out a compromise, allowing for a "three second rule". If a man looks at a hot babe for 2.9 seconds or less, he is not required to marry and reproduce with her. Of course, this idea was quickly scuttled by the Republican super-majority.
"All life is sacred and holy" said Senator Manford Whitehead
R-Arkansas. "even if it's only a gleam in your eye. That gleam is a precious baby trying to come into this world. And we can't allow that gleam to get squelched by some blasphemous butcher."
According to the Pre-Conception Amendment, if a man even glances at a cute chick at some mall, and does nothing about it,
he is committing murder. The Religious Right has succeeded in adding language to the Amendment that equates the act of 'mentally undressing a beautiful woman at the gym (without proposing to her and starting a large family)' with "abortion".
"It's abortion straight and simple!" said Pastor Fortright Crankworth of the Milkwood Mississippi Megachurch. "You want to stop killing babies? Then shut your eyes in the presence of a lady!"
Concerned Lovers of Life, a fundamentalist group, has advocated enforcing a head to toe garment to fully cover women when in public. This will allow men to walk freely "without automatically becoming fathers". The "baby burka" will have eye holes, ear flaps, and a mouth hole, and will be available ten sizes and three colors, including camouflage.
Bill Oakes, a freelance carpenter and a drummer in a local band, is the first male to be punished under the new law. After appreciating the sexy back tattoo on a cute girl in the audience, he did not go forth and multiply with her. Bill is now convicted of first degree murder, and could face life, or possibly death.
Advocates of the Pre-Conception Amendment plan to push it even further, making it a crime to even think about an attractive member of the opposite sex. "Unless you plan on fathering a child, think about something else, like golf, or speedboats.", said a smiling U.S. Rep. Paul O'Douche, "Then you won't go to prison."