It's one of the most awesome and sacred miracles of the universe. In less than nine months, an entire human being is formed from virtually nothing. And all it takes is a little grunting, sweating and thrusting.
"Human reproduction is easier than getting a drivers license," said a concerned Mother Nature. "Any mouth-breathing felon with a boner can crank out a football team of babies without even blinking."
"It's like a holy gun," said Greg Mastiff, criminal and father of twenty. "Just aim and fire. And God takes care of the rest."
Deeply disturbed by the global impact of out-of-control human reproduction, Mother Nature has decided to change the rules, and make it harder for those who wish to make a baby:
  1. Background check. No wing nuts, gun nuts, rapists or Nazi crack heads.
  2. Intelligence test. Know how to count and spell, and how to wipe your ass.
  3. Own a dog first. Make sure you're not a complete fuck-up as a parent.
  4. Don't be a teenager.
Meet these simple standards, and you get your birth permit. But Congress was outraged at Mother Nature's new birth rules. "Human reproduction is a God-given right", howled Senator Brad Dumbford (R) KS. "It's every moron's duty to breed as fast and as soon as possible. Next thing you know, they'll be taking away our guns!"
The rules are set to take effect next month. Republicans, fearing their voting base could soon face extinction, are calling for a "procreation-palooza". "Double down before the deadline!" Vice President Pence said to a room full of fertile half-wits.
"It used to be so easy," explained pediatrician Hugo Blumberg. "Just lie on your back, get ejaculated into, and presto! You've harnessed the almighty engines of creation. Now you'll have to fill out an application."
But will Mother Nature's new rules save the planet before it's too late? "Not if I can help it!" said proud 14 year-old grandmother Wanda Waddlesworth."

Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume