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ANTI NEWS #22:

ZEBRA FRIES ®
AND OTHER GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOODS
BECOMING ALL THE RAGE

 

 
 

In a sudden turnabout, the controversial and feared GMO's (genetically modified foods), have become the coolest and hippest thing since sliced bread. (Now fortified with dolphin DNA!)

Despite warnings from leading scientists about the unknown dangers of tinkering with food on a genetic level, consumers are lining up to chow down on the latest designer GMO's. The hottest new item: the crunchy goodness of Parakeet-popcorn ®, or popcorn infused with parakeet genes. "Every bite bursts with birdsong", says one billboard.

"Last year, no one would touch genetically altered food. Today, it's the new black!", said Advertising mogul Thad Dorkenmeyer. Mr. Dorkenmeyer, whose clients include Monsanto, ConAgra, and FrankenFoods, is the man responsible for turning around GMO's tainted image.

"Why have a cappuccino when you can have a Cat-u-ccino®? Put some rowr into your java!" Coffee, cross-bred with cat genes is being advertised as a "hot way to fire up your libido!" And supermarkets are now selling Camelopes ® (cantaloupes with camel DNA). "Put a little 'hump' into your breakfast!"

Indeed, over a billion dollars has been spent on sexing up the idea of genetically altered food and drink. But not everyone is buying into the designer food fad. BioEngineering Professor Howard Zide predicts a wave of new ailments and mutated viruses resulting from tampering with the genome. "Three toddlers exploded when fed bullfrog infused applesauce last year."

Activist Jenna Swansea spoke up at an anti-GMO rally. "We shouldn't be playing God. It's nothing more than a cash cow for a bunch of evil secretive plutocrats."

FrankenFoods CEO Harold Goggins laughed off the accusation. "More like a cash flamingo! Or a cash chimpanzee! This is America! These regulators are playing God, not us. And who could ever pass up a steamy plate of Zebra Fries®?

The French fires (with actual black and white stripes) are selling like hotcakes at fast food outlets nationwide. And speaking of hotcakes... The flapjack-o-potamus® is set to roll out this month. When genetic engineers were asked what benefits came out of crossing a pancake with a Hippopotamus, they simply replied "It provides a hippo-tastic breakfast experience."

Shares of FrankenFoods soared with the announcement of the new GMO fruit snack Chiwawawatermelon® . "America is baseball and apple pie. It's also Chihuahuas and watermelons!"

As of today, FrankenFoods owns the property license to over three hundred animals, plants, and food/beverage products. CEO Harold Goggins (now a trillionaire) chuckled at all the doom and gloom. "Why panic about something we can't see? Our motto here is "let's turn lemons into lemonade! And splice in some squid genes to boot!"

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