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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:

ONE MAN USES ALL 100% OF HIS BRAIN BY FILLING
IT WITH USELESS CRAP


 

 
 


It is said that we only use about 20% percent of our brains. That leaves a staggering 80% of untapped potential. By harnessing this vast dormant region, one could solve mankind's greatest problems, from bringing about world peace, to saving the environment to reaching for the stars...
 
This week, Kevin Schnell, a 38 year-old bed potato, became the first person to use nearly all 100% of his brain - by filling it to the brim with totally useless crap.
 
"I just finished memorizing the 1979 Cincinnati telephone book," said an excited Kevin. "That completes mid-century North America. Now I can start on 1950's Hungarian garbage truck routes."

Kevin also remembers every piece of toilet paper he has ever used. "I gave every one of them a name, a personality and a family history."

His vast mental inventory of all spandex headbands sold in the mid-1980's is unparalleled. "I even know the sexual proclivities and zodiac signs of every customer," Kevin said proudly.

The top-secret U.S. National Database had expressed an interest in hiring Kevin. "We could use someone like Kevin with his incredible gift," said a top official. "Unfortunately everything he knows is completely useless crap."
 
"I've calculated the collective weight of all the paper clips in Argentina," said Kevin, "and I know where each one is and what it's being used for." Despite Kevin's gargantuan store of knowledge, he is basically unemployable. His mother (who uses less than 12% of her brain) feeds and supports him.
 
"If he's so frikkin smart, why can't he save the world?" said Kevin's overburdened mother. "Buzz off! I've got less important things to do", said Kevin, as he finished memorizing the exact amount all Froot Loops manufactured by Kellogg's since 1940. "Tomorrow I will catalogue every single letter and punctuation mark ever printed, written or typed by every human since the beginning of history."
 
That last data-upload put Kevin's brain over the 100% mark, causing it to crash and delete everything. Next week he will have to re-learn how to tie his shoes and wipe his butt.
 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume