Last week, 11 year-old Tabitha Watkins spilled grape juice on her white dress at a birthday party. Her mom tried to wash it out several times. But now, the stain is permanent, and the dress is totally ruined. "That was a two hundred dollar dress," said Tabitha's devastated mother, "and we're going to have to throw it away". ISIS quickly announced that it is taking credit for this horrible tragedy.
Several days ago, Harold Brown slammed his fingers in the door of his minivan, after locking the keys inside. He couldn't reach his cell phone, and had to yell for thirty minutes before finally getting rescued. ISIS is also taking credit for this terrible mishap.
"Infidels beware!" exclaimed ISIS spokesman Ali Baba Hazmat. "If something shitty happens anywhere in the world, it's us! We did it."
"This is getting out of hand," explained tragedy specialist Howard Burp. "Look, ISIS owns the whole terror thing. I get it. But now they want to corner the entire misery market! That leaves no room for other assholes."
Yesterday, first grader Chris Jones vomited all over his classmates after a school lunch of Sloppy Joes and chocolate milk. Several students slipped on the floor and fell down the puke-streaked stairs. "God is Great!" announced ISIS, taking credit for the messy accident. "Sweet revenge against the Western Crusaders!"
The terror group blitzed its way across the globe, taking credit for everything from stubbed toes to barked shins to mosquito bites. "At least I no longer have to blame myself," said loser Eric Schnook after dropping his iPhone into an un-flushed toilet.
But ISIS may have reached a little too far. By summer of 2017, millions of Americans lost their health care. Millions of women lost their reproductive rights. And coal replaced all other forms of energy in America, melting the ice caps permanently. "No one brings it like ISIS!" gloated the terror group. A week later, ISIS was sued by the Republican Party for plagiarism.

Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume