After losing their balls, Democrats became flustered and hysterical. "I know we left them somewhere," said sensitive Democrat Sam Sogworth "I just can't remember the last place we saw them."

Democrats have long been the champions of popular and logical issues, from common sense gun safety to universal health care to preserving the planet. Because of this, Democrats got shoved against the lockers, tittie-twisted, and toilet-dunked. And then they had their lunch money stolen.

"We still can't find our balls," said Harris Wimple (D), "perhaps we left them in the junk drawer. Or they're in that inner coat pocket. Or maybe they rolled under the car seat."

Meanwhile, Republicans steamrolled their way to victory by championing issues that most Americans find repugnant.

"I know I'll die slowly and horribly in a jobless wasteland," said Republican voter Bill Chucksaw, "but at least my president talks tough."  Wilma Blebb of Ditchville, Pennsylvania agrees. "Next year when I'm homeless and pregnant, I will be comforted by the fact that my candidate has balls. Big hairy balls."

Senator Chest McSwagger (R) was in a tight race against his Democratic challenger. After trailing in the polls, McSwagger snorted a big bag of bath salts, then body-slammed a busload of senior citizens during a rage-induced blackout. He easily won a fifth term.

"This is uncalled for," whimpered defeated Democrat Oscar Windsock. "I hereby declare that we will form a committee to consider the possibility of writing a strongly worded letter condemning Senator McSwagger's actions."  Asserting their right to feel upset, Democrats are pondering a vote that will lay the groundwork for a preparation to prepare to prepare to prepare to look into the matter. But first, they have to find their balls.

"I think we left them near the bird feeder", said Congressman Dick Softman (D). "Oh wait. I last saw them in my man-purse... Nope. I already looked for them in the same place at least 23 times now."

Democrats held a fundraiser to buy a new set of balls. "For a twenty dollar donation, you'll get a free tote and a mug with a picture of our missing balls on them," said Democrat Clarence Cobweb. They raised over four hundred and three dollars. Meanwhile, Republicans printed seventy billion dollars in their basement and laundered it with coal. And no one stopped them.

Democrats floundered and foundered. "They're in the center console. Nope. They're in the dryer. Nope. They're in the tea-cozy. Nope. They're in the garbanzo bean jar. Nope. Just garbanzo beans."

And then, just when all seemed lost, Senator Elizabeth Warren found their balls. "I knew it. Right behind the couch with the dust bunnies," said the Senator. "All right, let's strap them on and get to work!"



Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume