Last week, the entire human race locked itself inside a hot car. The incident took place in a sweltering Walmart parking lot on the hottest day of the summer. As temperatures topped 105 degrees, the human race looked out of the car pitifully, in hopes that someone would come along and rescue them.
A passing shopper saw the car with the roughly 7.5 billion people squeezed inside. She tried to coax them out with simple instructions, but they just gazed vacantly through the fogged glass, panting helplessly. "I left a note on the windshield", said shopper Thelma Jenkins, "telling the owner to take better care of its humans."
As the heat became unbearable, the human race resorted to desperate measures. They prayed. Nothing happened. They banged harder on the windows. Nothing happened. They formed a committee to consider the possibility of thinking about preparing to take action tomorrow. Nothing happened. "It's really hot in here," said a slowly melting Eric Winthrop, "but it's not my fault."
Being locked in a hot car can pose a serious danger to small animals, infants, doctors, lawyers, real estate developers or anyone else who can't open a car door from the inside. Temperatures inside a hot car can soar to 180 degrees, virtually baking the victims like brownies. "Someone took the keys and left us here," said a dehydrated Stacy Winkle, "and no one told us how to get out."
A few scientists inside the hot car developed a theory that there might be door-locks on the inside, and the human race could easily let itself out at any time. This was met with howls of laughter, followed by indifference. And so, 7.5 billion humans continued to pop like popcorn in the locked hot car.
But just as they were running out of air, the trapped humans elected a rich moron to lead them. He told them to "shut up and stay in the car." They happily obeyed, while they slow-cooked like pulled pork in a smoker. So slowly in fact, they didn't even notice.
"We're supposed to die in a hot car in a Walmart parking lot on the hottest day of the summer," said a proud but trapped Bruce Blockhead, "the Bible says so."
So be vigilant. Don't lock yourself inside a hot car. Or you'll all end up well done.
