Today, Donald Trump finally accomplished his ultimate goal since taking office: erasing President Barack Obama from history. "I can finally relax and take some time off," said the weary Trump, after nearly two and a half years of working tirelessly to make sure that not one trace of his predecessor remains anywhere on the face of the Earth.
"I never got a chance to impeach Obama, or fire him for being born in Africa," said the Supreme Commander of Everything. "So I'm using my presidential powers to do the next best thing: remove Obama from the past, present and future. Even from the public memory.
The process of erasing the 44th President began in earnest the day Trump took his sweaty palm off the Bible in January 2017. The first victory: removing twenty million people from the health care system and leaving them uninsured. "That was a good start!" gloated Trump from his Connecticut-sized yacht.
The Obama Vanishing Act sailed through Congress. Once health care was removed, Trump went on to re-establish hostilities with Cuba, abandon the climate pact, revoke Wall Street reform and ban transgender people from the military.
"It's as if he never existed", cackled a cocksure Trump from his Delaware-sized shoe closet. Next on his agenda: deleting all references to Obama on Google and other search engines, destroying all video and still photo imagery of Obama, disposing of all books and articles by and about Obama, and eliminating all t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers, postcards and anything else that bears his name or image.
"My work is done", tweeted Trump from his Texas-sized toilet. He even signed an executive order making it illegal to speak the 44th President's name. Anywhere. Even in private. But eradicating Obama wasn't enough. "I might as well erase FDR, JFK, Jefferson, Lincoln, Washington or any other so-called president who thinks he's better than I am."
And then, just before he could sign the final order banishing everyone, Trump choked on a gobbet of whale steak and deleted himself from history.
