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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:
THE CHEVY BLOCK: AMERICA'S NEW GAS HOG


 

 
 


Tesla, Leaf, Volt, Prius... step aside. Make way for the 2018 Chevy Block. Two hundred tons of pure fossil-fueled muscle. Chevy Block is more than a truck. It's a fired-up power monster that will put America back on top.

"All those earth-hugging girly cars? They're history!" tweeted CEO Chest Swaggerton. "There's a new dog on the block. That's right. Chevy Block."

Chevy Block is basically a giant fuel tank with no wheels. The two-story steel superstructure is propelled by eight jet engines. At full-throttle, the Chevy Block will "drag" or "scrape" itself forward at speeds of up to twelve miles per hour.

"I love my Chevy Block," said regular heartland guy Braxton Hunter, "I 'scrape' 80 miles each way to work every day." Ever since Congress outlawed the wheel, there has been a growing demand for gas-gulping street-scrapers. "The pendulum has swung from green back to red, white and blue," explained a country-loving Chest Swaggerton, "and Chevy Block is the flagship of the fleet."

But some are disturbed by this new trend. "They're extremely flammable. They tear up the street. They use thousands of gallons of gas just to get to the store. And our neighborhood is filled with the constant scream of jet engines," complained liberal Emily Wallflower. But Chevy Block driver Victor Strongman pushed back. "Got a problem snowflake? Plug your ears!"

"I want to drop my kids off at school in a new Chevy Block!" said patriotic mother Jenna Honkley. Sorry Jenna. Chevy Block seats only one. There is no wasted room for passengers or cargo. The driver sits alone atop the fuel tank, surrounded by jet engines. "I just crank up Ted Nugent while I 'scrape' my way to the steakhouse", explained Block driver Bruce Howitzer.

On the road, one single Chevy Block will effectively cancel out all the energy savings of all hybrids and other fuel-efficient vehicles dating back 10 years. "We hope to roll out at least ten million Chevy Blocks by Christmas," said a cheerful Chest Swaggerton.

And coming in 2019: The Chevy Super Block. Five stories of fuel tank, fifty screaming jet engines and a sound-proof driver's cab. Badass steel spikes will shred the asphalt, further reducing speed. Leather covering and roof-mounted sniper tower sold separately.

 

 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume