The latest reports show a skyrocketing stock market and a strong economy. And Trump is taking full credit. He went on a cross-country victory tour, congratulating himself on his "genius" and vision as a "terrific business man who saved the country".

"Eight months ago America was a smoldering wasteland," claimed the billionaire wizard. "Corpses were piled three stories high in every direction. Jackals were eating children right out of their strollers. Immigrants were raping their way from coast to coast. And then I came along and fixed it all in less than a hundred days."

Crowds of unemployed pregnant coal miners cheered wildly at a victory rally in Stinking Springs, West Virginia. But Trump didn't just turn the economy around in 100 days. He also engineered the Apollo moon landings with his unmatched brain muscle. "I designed the rocket. I launched it. And I landed it on the moon. I stepped onto the lunar surface before Neil Armstrong. He even stole my 'giant step for mankind' line."

Angry mobs burned effigies of Neil Armstrong across the heartland. The press didn't challenge Trump's claim, for fear of reprisal. And so it became fact.

Trump also invented the airplane. "That was me down at Kitty Hawk in 1903. I got that thing off the ground single-handedly. The Wright Brothers? Fake news!"

Last night, Trump tweeted more of his remarkable accomplishments. "I won World War II. I brought Hitler back alive, and paraded him down Fifth Avenue, holding him over my head like a trophy trout!"

"I also knocked down the Berlin Wall. I just took a baseball bat and started whacking away. We're using chunks of it along the Mexican border. It's just the right length."

Trump also invented the ham sandwich, the potato chip, the escalator, the TV remote, the retractable dog-leash, self-serve frozen yogurt and the pulled-pork slider. "Okay, so Jesus invented gravity," he tweeted, "I can't take credit for everything."

And so the past and future re-wrote themselves while we slept. Tomorrow, Trump plans to re-unite the Koreas, make ISIS a theme park, cancel the solar eclipse and criminalize vegetables.



Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume