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ANTI NEWS #23:

HOMO TEXTUS:
MAN'S NEXT EVOLUTIONARY MUTATION

 

 
 

Cro Magnon. Neanderthal. Homo Erectus. Homo Sapien. From the earliest tree dwelling monkey to the upright hominid of today, millions of years have passed. But the journey of man's evolution is not over. The ever increasing pace of technology and consumerism has propelled our species to mutate yet again, into its newest and most exciting form: Homo Textus.

Anthropologist Stanley Futterman is astonished. "It takes tens of thousands of years for a new species to mutate and adapt. This is virtually overnight. Homo Sapien is going the way of the Dodo."

The preponderance of handheld devices and the almost quantum shift to texting as a form of communication has given way to this new type of person, who now lives among us in ever increasing numbers. Their most obvious difference is the complete lack of fingers. Homo Textus has two overdeveloped pink thumbs that hinge against a fatty flap of tissue that resembles a palm. With the abrupt decline in reading, writing, playing musical instruments and generally anything else that requires fingers, the remaining digits have simply lost their use, and fallen off.

These "lobster claws" enable Homo Textus to operate things like joyticks, iphones, ipads and androids with astronomical speed. However the simple acts of eating, brushing one's teeth, wiping one's ass and putting on clothes are far more challenging to HomoTextus. "But these chores are unimportant", texts physio-futurologist Clement Ankleton. "Homo Textus wears the same stained bathrobe for months, seldom bathes, and slurps everything through a straw. But he can thumb-type over 500 words per minute, send inappropriate messages in the blink of an eye, and forward Youtube videos with formidable dexterity.

With the exception of the beefy looking lobster claws, Homo Textus has tiny, atrophied extremities. The legs are spindly and flabby. Elbow joints are fused into a 90 degree position best suited for holding a smart-device. The spine is hunched and rounded. The eyes are closer together, and myopic (since long distance vision is no longer necessary). The brain of Homo Textus has only three lobes - one for texting, one for sexting, and one for sex. If placed in a contained environment, Homo Textus can multiply at alarming rates.

The latest projections show HomoTextus outbreeding and eventually replacing the current Homo Sapien. Mechanized food production, virtual entertainment and robotic transportation will further reduce Homo Textus' need for appendages and self propulsion. Eventually, hordes of pinkish bulbous lobster clawed beedy eyed food tubes will populate the earth, illuminated by the glow of their smart devices.

"My parents both have arms and fingers" texted little 12 year old Bobby Thompson. "That's so gross and uncool. Lolz!" As technology improves and vocabulary shrinks, mankind will continue to devolve. There is now evidence that an even newer species is starting to appear on the horizon: Homo Tweetus.

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