April 6, 20,955,017 A.D.: An astonishing discovery was made at a construction site in a field just outside of New New New New York. After preliminary tests, experts have concluded that they have unearthed the largest yet known fossil - of a fossil fuel user.
"It's in remarkable condition," said fossilfossilologist Dr. Hegwin #Bwawajambwawa. "It's a perfectly fossilized fossil fuel user." The 20 million year old specimen contains the nearly intact skeleton of Homo Gassahoggus, one of the last known species of hominids to exist before the Great Extinction.
"Observe the tiny skull, clear evidence of cranial reduction during the Final Decline", explained Dr. #Bwawajambwawa. "The barrel-hoop ribs indicate that Homo Gassahoggus had an enormous gut. Also note the massive thumb bones, flipper-like palms and itty-bitty, useless fingers. Homo Gassahoggus was clearly the dimwitted offshoot of its imbecilic ancestor Homo Textus."
But perhaps the most astounding part of the discovery was the completely preserved vehicle in which Homo Gassahoggus was found. The fossilized fossil fuel user died behind the wheel of a fossilized recreational military vehicle. Although everything has been trapped under layers of rock and sediment for eons, it appears to be what historians refer to as a "Hummer".
"This Hummer-machine actually propelled itself by using massive amounts of fossils from some even earlier era," explained Oo'pa'a-a-a #Gnowzhypd, paleo-historian at the University of New New New New New Hampshire. "These creatures bred like spiders, and drove their Hummers until they dropped dead and sank into the swamps, where they waited for us to dig them up."
The fossilized fossil fuel user, affectionately named "Braxton", will be cleaned, shellacked and placed in a museum. "We love Braxton!" said five year-old #Gwa-po'a', who, like many children, are fascinated by all sorts of dinosaurs.
But these massive deposits from this distant epoch in Earth's history may have the potential to generate billions in profit. T'bleb #Glox-gnib of the Petro-Petro Institute explains:
"If we can dig up enough of these ancient relics, we can grind them into a slurry, refine the sludge into an oil, and process it into the fuel to power our lifestyle."
And so began the age of Fossil Fossil Fuel
Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume
