The U.S. Flag was officially declared a person today. The all-Republican Senate voted overwhelmingly to give the two-dimensional, rectangular symbol "personhood status". With the stroke of a pen, the President brought this historical decision to life. Throngs of wild-eyed patriots celebrated in the streets, as the "Stars and Stripes" is set to become a legitimate human being at midnight.
"It's about time!" declared Senator Buck Hogskin (R) TX, "She's a fine lady. A proud symbol of our heritage. Look at her funny and I'll shoot you in the face!"
The legal status of personhood will be given to all types of U.S. flag emblems - including decals, tattoos, T-shirts, baseball caps, earrings, cupcakes, iPhone cozies and face paint.
"This is a great day for America," said Personhood Secretary Vince Whipple. "Now, along with fertilized embryos and international corporations, the U.S. Flag can enjoy all the perks of being an actual person. "Look! My Flag-tattoo is a person now!", shouted an exuberant Mitch McDiddle.
As a member of the "person club", the Flag is an official U.S. citizen. It will be able to vote, drive a car, brandish a firearm, marry and reproduce, and dump garbage. But will it be exempt from paying taxes? "Pffft!" scoffed flag lover Dick Cheeto. "Why should it pay taxes? That's for losers!"
As a person, the U.S. Flag is also protected from criticism. Anyone who doesn't stand at attention, salute, or place their hand on their heart in the presence of a Flag-person will be fined and jailed. Anyone making disparaging remarks about a Flag-person will be executed.
"What about the millions of working poor?" asked Tania Stanton of Human Rights Watch. "They have no voice and no rights, while this flap of fabric gets elevated to personhood." Tania vanished from her workplace Friday, and was never seen again.
The Department of Personhood has compiled a list of citizens who could lose their personhood status. Among those on the chopping block are: Puerto Ricans, transgender people, blacks, homosexuals, the poor, the elderly, undocumented immigrants, college students and women. "Look, we can't allow everybody to be a person," said Personhood Secretary Vince Whipple, "At least the American Flag has a soul."
Next week, the Department of Personhood will officially declare The National Anthem a person.
