The Calamity Channel will officially debut across America today to millions of excited viewers. Formerly known as "The Weather Channel", it will have a new logo, new graphics, new music and a totally new theme: daily and weekly calamity forecasts and firecasts.
"We decided to dump the whole 'weather' thing," said Hal Nugent, Calamity Channel CEO. "Now we have firestorms, hypercanes, monsterquakes, megadroughts, and a bunch of other awesome cataclysms which are terrific for ratings."
"Weather is so 20th Century!" said Calvin Womp of the Department of Disaster. "Thunderstorms and sunshine and snow flurries - that shit doesn't happen anymore. Disasters are the new weather."
Climate maps will include new eco-friendly color-coding for unprecedented temperatures: avocado for the 130's, pomegranite for the 140's and clementine for the 150's. "Maybe we can stop there," said Dr. Womp, "but summer's still coming."
The Calamity Channel will also keep Americans on their toes with its round-the-clock "Firecast". As the country burns, the Calamity Channel "Firecast" ® will forecast when your home, town or state is about to be consumed by a wall of unstoppable flame. Cool graphics and music will make it entertaining.
And in the event of a nuclear war, The Calamity Channel will announce minute-by-minute reports of blast yield, shock waves, and fallout predictions so you can adjust your weekend plans. Enjoy the dazzling new graphics display, property of Calamity Channel.
The Calamity channel is also proud to announce that they have completely run out of human names for hurricanes. "Hurricanes will now be named after food," said an excited Dick Withers of the Denial Institute. As of now, Hurricane Bison Burger is expected to slam into New York on Tuesday. Tropical Storm Onion Blossom could become a hurricane in a few days.
Asked if Calamity-casters would discuss the effect of human-induced climate change on the TV, CEO Hal Nugent laughed, replying "Of course not. Why?"
The Calamity Channel: your one and only source for real-time global catastrophe. But this fall, TV gets even awesomer, with the debut of the Capital Punishment Channel and The Mass Shooting Channel.
