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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:
AMERICA OBSERVES PERMANENT MOMENT OF SILENCE

 

 
 


Yesterday, America stopped everything, in observance of a moment of silence to remember those who died in a mass shooting somewhere in the Midwest. Thirty minutes later, America halted its work again, and stooped in silent prayer to memorialize those slaughtered in a mass shooting in Maryland. America then took a quick break before taking another moment of silence for some gun massacre in Oregon. Before supper, America had put its face down in solemn quietude fourteen more times to honor a bunch of other mass shootings.
 
"I can't even get to the fridge in time before there's another gosh-darned moment of silence!" exclaimed starving stoner Kendra Jackman. "I once got stuck in a crowded crosswalk for three hours during overlapping moments of silence," said pedestrian Alex Goodman.
 
Indeed, America now has more moments of silence than non-moments of silence. Spaces in the calendar for senseless tragedies are rapidly filling up, leaving less and less time to talk, move around and do stuff.
 
"The worst was last Wednesday," said office worker Janice Duff. "I had to pee, but we had back-to-back moments of silence all afternoon, so I wet my pants at my desk."
 
"Silence is an American strength," explained Arthur Puffer of the Department of Silence. "The more silent we are, the more obedient we are, which weeds out the radicals and the terrorists."
 
The Department of Silence oversees and enforces America's vast and growing moments of silence. Those who make noise, laugh, or flail their limbs about during moments of silence are severely punished, and silenced with a "silencer".
 
Human rights advocates propose sending out millions of snack crackers and piss jugs for people caught in especially long moments of silence. But the pro-silence majority pushed back. "This is not the time to mollycoddle a bunch of liberal pansies!" screamed Buck Walleye of Lockjaw, Ohio. "Hold your bladder and honor the dead!"
 
By early next year, experts predict that all the moments of silence will merge, and America will be in a permanent moment of silence. "We're not sure how this will affect the economy," said Silence Secretary Kevin Beeker, "but it's the right thing to do."
 
And so, America will soon fall silent, forever. But fear not. There is one activity that is not only allowed, but encouraged during moments of silence. Prayer.
 
Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume