For the first time in Hollywood history, the Academy Awards will be canceled due to the epidemic of shame and disgrace that has ravaged the industry. Sordid tales of unwanted ass-poking, pants-dropping, boob-touching, foot-licking, tongue-plunging and pussy-grabbing have soiled the reputation of nearly every celebrity, leaving a gaping void where there would normally be a glamorous awards ceremony.

 

"It seems that everyone has groped everyone by now," said Academy spokesman Jared Winslow,"therefore nobody is eligible to win an Oscar or appear at the Academy Awards this year."

 

The Epidemic of Shame spread through the glitterati like fire through dry brush on a hot day. Harvey Weinstein may have been the gasoline-soaked rag, but the raging virus of disgrace had plenty of fuel...and once it got started, there was no stopping it. "We tried to contain it at Louis C.K.and Kevin Spacey," said celebrity virologist Chauncey Schmidt, " but when it spread to Dustin Hoffman and Bryan Singer, we knew it was out of control. Directors, producers, actors and other beloved jet-setters started toppling like dominoes." 

 

As of last week, there were more disgraced celebrities than non-disgraced celebrities. Survivors huddled in celebrity shelters, hoping to not be tainted with the virulent outbreak that has decimated Hollywood. "I'm not coming out until this thing blows over," said Warren Beatty, who now lives in an underground bunker with ten years' food supply. The virus can lie dormant for years, if not decades before manifesting into full-blown public disgrace.

 

"This is a stage 4 outbreak," explained Dr. Eustus Grobleski. "We ignored some of the early warning signs... like Bill Cosby."

 

Some of the symptoms include: unchecked power, limitless wealth, overblown self-esteem, too much adulation, dizziness and tantrums. There is still no cure. But three hours in a bathtub full of frozen peas can stop the sickness, temporarily.

 

All movie productions have been cancelled. All TV series have been suspended. And no one will appear at the 2019 Oscars. The Kodak Theatre will available for rent Sunday night.

 

But the virus is not just limited to the entertainment industry. Experts fear it may have gone global, with outbreaks reported in the finance, education, legal, fitness, advertising, insurance, medical, political, military and religious industries as well.