America was voted off the island in the latest episode of "Survivor". The hit reality-TV series features a bunch of countries stranded on a tiny isolated island with extremely limited resources. Unable to get any help from the outside, they must work together using their collaborative intelligence to "survive". But every now and then, one country gets "kicked off" the island for being lazy, boorish, stubborn, unimaginative, or just a plain threat to the island and everyone on it. And America was the first and last to go.

 

"We were building a rainwater-catching device from giant leaves so we wouldn't die of thirst," said Belgium and Mongolia, "and America comes along and kicks it down, laughing at us and flipping the bird."

 

Togo, Albania and Luxembourg expressed their disgust. "We're doing everything we can to survive. And America just stomps around, practicing its golf swings."

 

"I was digging an irrigation ditch," said Namibia, "while Australia and Latvia were carving wooden stakes to anchor down an improvised shelter against the coming storm. And what's America doing? Sitting in the woods, praying."

 

"I'm praying for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to send a cruise ship full of rib eye steaks and hot chicks," yelled America as it ate all the pizza and drank twice its share of water.

 

Italy, China and Uruguay had just finished planting a sustainable vegetable garden. America then plowed it up with a giant bulldozer. "Your garden's getting in the way of my coal," hollered America. The Greatest Nation on Earth then dynamited a crater to extract the coal, and torched the jungle to build a massive coal-fired power plant on the beach, despite protests from Japan, Morocco, Germany, Ecuador, Spain, Botswana and every other country on the island.

 

"America first!" shouted America, while firing its AR-15 at endangered hummingbirds for target practice.

 

And so the world community decided to vote America off the island. The vote was almost unanimous, with Israel and Russia being the only dissenters. America was tossed into a small rubber dinghy, kicking and screaming, and set adrift.

 

Iran and India high-fived each other while Canada and Ireland danced a little jig. "All it takes is one bad apple," said Finland, "or in this case, one bad basket of onion rings with sizzlin' ranch dressing."

 

The remaining countries got to work cleaning up the island. Within a year it was back to normal, with lush vegetation and clean water. But whatever happened to America? "I'm sure it's doing fine," said Denmark, "We gave it a bottle of water and three weeks supply of coal."