An astonishing new study has revealed that America's attention span has fallen to less than ten seconds. By the time you finish reading this sentence, you will have already forgotten the previous one.

"This is an historical low," explained historian Calvin Wilmott. "A generation ago, people actually retained information. They used their memory to avoid repeating stupid mistakes. But now, if it occurred more than ten seconds ago, it doesn't exist."

The average American can still put toothpaste on a toothbrush, but less than half of them can get the toothbrush into their mouths. Jordan Plunkett of San Diego got his pants halfway on when his iPhone chirped, distracting him. He then spent the rest of the day with his pants around his knees. Amanda McKinney never washed the shampoo out of her hair. And Ted Schoob is covered with burn blisters after leaning against a hot stove twenty times this morning. "I forgot it was there," explained Ted. "Owwwww!"

However, there is an upside to our downsized memory...for a privileged few. While America was trapped in its ten-second bubble, Congress stripped away entire laws, trillions of dollars evaporated into thin air, and Trump gave Russia the keys to the White House. "I seem to remember something about Russia," said news junkie Kevin Bliff. "Wait. Nope. Not any more."

"It's a collective dementia," said disease specialist Arnold Hambone, "but now it's contagious and airborne." The most common means of transmitting the virus are sneezing, coughing, dirty napkins and Twitter.

And so more and more Americans live their lives inside a ten- second universe. Nothing exists beyond that tiny horizon. And it's only getting smaller. In some of the worst affected areas, attention spans have dropped to less than one second.

Winston Crowley forgot to open his eyes after blinking. Jenny Softworth exhaled, but forgot to inhale. And Alex Limpnitz chewed, but forgot to swallow. People are literally forgetting themselves to death.

Scientists are frantically trying to create a "memory-enhancing pill" in an attempt to restore America's withered attention span. But Congress diverted funds towards erection-enhancing pills instead. Senator Whip Zagnut (R) was adamant: "Who needs memory when you can have a four hour boner?"

It doesn't really matter. Because, in one second, you will forget that you read this whole article.
Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume