America, are you fed up with your fees? Have you had enough of those secret surcharges hidden away in your bills, tucked into your plane tickets and sneaked into your online purchases? Get ready to throw your money down a whole new rabbit hole. Introducing the fee-fee: the upcharge for your upcharges, the payment for your payments for your payments.
"Look, fees don't just pay for themselves," said greedyologist Stan Hogmeyer. "there has to be a fee to pay for your fee. And the fee-fee will fix that fiscal fandango, and forever feather the nests of the fortunate."
How does a fee-fee work? A $16.00 movie ticket purchased online already has a $3.00 "convenience" fee. But to administer the cost of properly managing and appropriating that fee requires paperwork, due diligence, and manpower. Therefore there will be an additional $12.00 fee-fee attached to the $3.00 convenience fee attached to your movie ticket. "Think of it as having the privilege of paying even more than you should," explained reverse psychologist Joan Rich.
Fee-fees will go into effect next week. Expect to find them everywhere, from your groceries to your gas bill to your haircut to your coffee to your hospital stay.
But where does your fee-fee go? "We're still working on that," said financial detective Warren Withers. "Most likely, your fee-fee will pass through a dozen banks, laundromats, car-trunks and duffel bags before resurfacing as a high-end handjob in Thailand and ultimately in some trillionaire's tax-free off-planet account."
"It's a win-win-win situation for some of us," explained Champion Massey from his fee-fee financed fantasy palace on his undisclosed private moonlet. "I just bought another emerald-studded crown for my poodle, Fifi."
"Fee-fees will bankrupt me," complained waitress Wendy Jobs. "If you charge me for charging me, I'll have to sell my organs." Starting Monday, there will be an organ-resale-upcharge-fee-fee, so Wendy will actually lose money selling her guts.
Is there a way to avoid this new slew of extra payment-payments? "Stop eating, stop breathing and stop spending," said Commodore Bloatman of the Off-Planet Bank of Uranus. "But when you die, you will be charged a post-mortem fee-fee to cover the costs of covering the costs of your demise. No way around that."
Coming this summer: the fee-fee-fee.
