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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:
PRESIDENT KIDNAPS HIMSELF

 

 
 


Scandals. Indictments. FBI raids. GOP lawmakers retiring in record numbers. With the mid-term elections only months away, the prospects for the Republican Party are bleak.
 
"We have no message, no enthusiasm, no leadership," said a dejected GOP operative. "If we don't come up with something really shitty really soon, we're toast."

And then the president had a great idea. A terrific idea: "I'll kidnap myself!" 
 
The plan went off flawlessly. Late last night, a group of "terrorists" sneaked past White House security, grabbed the president off his toilet, and whisked him away in a black garbage bag. The next morning, the news broke to a shocked nation.
 
"As of now, the president's location is unknown," said an emotional press secretary Daisy Huckleberry. "It's time to stop hating and start praying." Within minutes, the country set aside its negative views of the president, and threw its undivided support behind him in a show of lockstep love. "I never liked the president," said average citizen Steve Squashburg, "but now that terrorists have kidnapped him, I love him more than my own family."
 
Then the YouTube video appeared around lunchtime. The world watched in horror as the president sat tied to a chair, his suit stained with fake blood, his hair tragically out of place. He looked convincingly resolute and defiant as the kidnappers read their list of conditions:
 
  1. Burn every Bible
  2. Melt every gun
  3. Turn every church into a mosque
  4. Outlaw meat

America held its breath as the days ticked by. Meanwhile, the president's approval rating shot through the roof. The government grounded all planes, sealed all borders, and detained all vegans. "I think we fixed the ratings problem," said GOP mastermind Braxton Glockstock. "The longer he keeps himself tied up, the brighter our future gets."

The next YouTube video featured the president with a fake black eye and arm cast. The president gloated. "I might even go for a neck brace and broken nose. At this point I can just golf my way to the mid-terms!" He untied himself and punched himself in the face a few more times. "How do I look?" 
 
And then, one week before the mid-terms, a team of Navy Seals conducted a daring raid and miraculously "rescued" the president. He posed before the cameras in a neck brace, a bruised and bandaged hero. The crowds went wild. Elections were canceled to make way for a month of victory parades.

And what about the 2020 election? "No problem", said the president. "I'll just kidnap myself again."

 
 
Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume