America was recently diagnosed with an extreme case of bipolar disorder. Over the last 2 years, the nation of 300 million has exhibited increasing signs of severe mental imbalance. Symptoms include violent mood swings, withdrawal from reality, and a voracious appetite for sugar-frosted bullshit.
"America's a classic bipolar head case," explained insanity expert Dr. Stan Loon. "One day it's on top of the world, a shining beacon of freedom and tolerance. The next day it's a brooding mass of ignorant rage, curled up in the fetal position clutching an AR-15."
As soon as it went off its meds, America fell headfirst down the bipolar rabbit hole:
America wants to save the planet while destroying it. It adores children, while kicking them to the curb once they're born. It embraces women's rights while opposing them. It's vegan, but it loves deep fried pulled pork sliders wrapped in veal bacon.
One of the latest "crazes" is Battle Yoga. Students practice yoga in full camouflage while shouldering heavy weaponry. "It's very grounding," said Battle-yogini Meghan Chuckleberry. "the grenade skirt, ammo belt and sniper goggles really elevate my third eye."
"This is uncharted territory," explained Dr. Loon. "Only in America can there be two opposing versions of truth that can be swallowed whole, simultaneously."
"My Mountain Dew is also a flame retardant," said proud American Doug Whiplash. "My French fries are also an embalming agent, and my Pop Tarts can double as anti-freeze in a pinch."
The world ignored the numerous red flags until it was too late. Hopped up on flame retardant and anti-freeze, America split into 2 conflicting realities, which are bouncing off the inside of its throbbing skull like a couple of bingo balls.
"It's hurts my head," said a stressed-out, bipolar America, "but after a while you get used to it." And so America wound up on a park bench, muttering to itself while the world politely looked away.
But is there a cure? A way for America to recover?
"Sure there's a cure," chuckled Secretary of Delusion Cletus McFowl, "but that would take an act of Congress."
