"This was easier than I thought," tweeted the president, "With its Fruit of the Looms on the outside, America smells even greater."
Buoyed by his unchallenged power, the president issued a second executive order mandating that all of his followers gargle their toilet water before flushing. The next morning, millions of devotees showed up to work with poo-breath. Wearing their underpants on the outside.
"Look, poo-breath is a small price to pay for freedom," gargled Jeb Hambone of Lockjaw, Ohio.
And to make freedom even freer, the president then ordered his followers to punch themselves in the face for one hour. There was no opposition.
"I punched myself in the face for two hours for extra credit," burbled Jenna Flockpuff. Jenna was invited to stand 3 rows behind the president at his next televised super-rally. Jenna's black eyes, broken nose and swollen lip were a shining example of her self-inflicted liberty.
Despite the humiliation, the president's base solidified around him. In fact, with each new executive order, their devotion continued to grow. Over the next week, his followers proudly shaved off their eyebrows, swallowed egg shells, glued their nostrils shut and shoved their private parts into wasp nests. Then they waited eagerly for the next presidential decree.
"Jump off a cliff," ordered the president. They obeyed, and the president lost his base.
