It’s official. Seat belts are fake news. “It’s obvious,” declared the Secretary of Alternate Reality, “These so-called ‘safety restraints’ are just another liberal attempt to curtail our freedom. Fake News!” After a wave of anti-seat belt protests swept the nation, the Supreme Court struck down the nearly 60 year-old law requiring seat belts. There was no dissent.

And in another major victory for freedom lovers, toothbrushes were also declared fake news. “All these years, the Dental Mafia has been coercing us to put these bristle-covered sticks into our mouths,” said fake news scholar Jugg Cowdill. “And we believed this psychotic myth, until the truth came out.”  Toothbrushes (and toothpaste) were outlawed nationwide, after the discovery that it was a vast leftist Hollywood conspiracy to convert Americans into pedophiles.

“In the name of the children, I will never brush my teeth again!” slurred three-toothed patriot Cleb Gawkins.

Last week, brake pads were revealed to be fake news. “Put the brakes on brakes!” jeered angry crowds as they burned a brake pad factory to the ground. “They say it helps you bring your vehicle to a safe stop,” declared Senator Buck Snakeskin, “but it’s clearly a deep state effort by the Jewish Homosexual Mafia to take your money and turn you gay.” A subsequent uptick in violent fatal car crashes across the country was also rejected as fake news.

Another debunked theory: prescription glasses. “Who in their right mind would put a contraption on their nose in the assumption that it will somehow correct their vision?” laughed fake news expert Bill Whipple. “Another Mexican Muslim false flag operation!”

These days, more and more fake news is getting exposed. The latest Negro-Marxist-Feminist conspiracies to be stricken from the books: windshield wipers, shoelaces, toilet paper, dental floss, pencils, wheelchairs, trash cans, welder’s goggles, bumpers, fenders, tires, soap, mayonnaise, pants, water and air.

“And that’s just a good start!” declared fake news warrior Braxton Honk, as he died of thirst, naked, filthy, and blind while crashing his out of control car into a mountain of burning garbage.

Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume