The state of Ohio shot itself in the head today. The rest of the country is sending its thoughts and prayers. Ohio had recently been showing signs of hope before today’s sad and unexpected tragedy.

“I knew Ohio well,” said close friend and neighbor Illinois. “It was always so perky and positive. The last thing I expected was for Ohio to blow its brains out.”

The Buckeye State had been on a steady recovery since its last mental breakdown in November 2016. It was even willing to join the world community and embrace the future. “We were thrilled to have Ohio come with us on the long journey out of the darkness,” said California, Oregon and Washington, “This is such a terrible shock.”

Ohio was busy planning another bright and optimistic day, when all of a sudden the president showed up. Ohio lowered its gaze and fell into a dark stupor. “Do you love your president?’ he asked Ohio. “Yes. I do,” murmured Ohio. “Then shoot yourself in the head,” he ordered.

Ohio obediently put a revolver in its mouth, and pulled the trigger. The blast knocked The Buckeye State down a flight of stairs, where it plunged through a glass door and rolled out into the street. The horribly wounded Ohio was then struck by a speeding Dodge Charger and knocked into the air before being impaled on a parking meter.

It lived.

Suffering massive head wounds, four broken limbs and a ruptured spleen, heart, liver and scrotum, Ohio remains on life support with permanent brain damage. “Ohio did the right thing!” shouted West Virginia, Kansas and Oklahoma, who have been shooting themselves in the head for years. Now jobless, broke and uninsured, Ohio’s prospects look bleak.

“I won’t be able to walk or wipe my ass ever again,” slurred Ohio from its filthy hospital bed, “but at least I support my president.”

 

DON'T LET YOUR STATE SHOOT ITSELF IN THE HEAD.