After a long and bitter fight, Jock “Snakeskin” Sloakum was confirmed today, filling a vacancy on the United States Supreme Court. The charming, boyish rapist-arsonist-cannibal pumped his fists in the air as red-white-and -blue confetti rained down.

Jock Sloakum will proudly take a seat alongside his fellow Justices: Nazi game show host Gerhardt Henshel, murderer-surgeon Blade Hollister, human trafficker Buford Outlaw, crystal meth guru Shock Shithorn, toxic waste kingpin Chest Mandrill, celebrity tax-evader Kyle Cheatum III, and a couple of 90-year old liberals on their deathbeds.

The confirmation proceedings were heavily stacked against poor Jock Sloakum. “He’s a rapist, an arsonist and a cannibal.” shouted Senator Nancy Glum, a whiny liberal, “He has no place on our highest court. This is an utter outrage!”

But Jock stood his ground. “Look, I was a horny virgin, and my victim was scantily clad. Plus I burned the house down by accident while cooking her.”

Jock was only 12 years old at the time of his mischievous dalliance. “Boys will be boys,” he explained, “plus rapists, arsonists and cannibals need a champion in Washington.”

Cheers went up around the country from rapists arsonists and cannibals at news of his confirmation. Jock Sloakum’s approval rating is a sky-high 105% among this demographic. Fortunately (for Jock), his victim was unable to testify, as she had been cooked and eaten over 25 years ago. Along with several dozen others.

“I’m a red-blooded heterosexual American,” beamed Jock to a standing ovation in the Senate. He was confirmed 99 to 1. Senator Nancy Glum was the only party-pooper.

The rapist-arsonist-cannibal is also very young and fit.  He works out and eats a healthy high-protein diet. “I plan to live a long, long, long long time,” said the lifetime appointee, “so rapists, arsonists and cannibals can sleep easily for many decades to come.”

Last night, the remaining 2 liberal justices died in their sleep. The president did a touchdown dance in the White House. And America slurped another Starbucks.

The president compiled a short list of skinheads and thugs to fill the remaining vacancies. “We’ve only got one problem," said the president. “This lifetime appointment thing isn’t good enough.” Efforts are now underway to make Supreme Court Justices immortal by 2020.

“Death will no longer hinder us!” cackled murderer-justice Blade Hollister. “Nine pickled brains in a jar will rule for eternity!”



Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume