Slavery has always been a highly profitable business model. The no-wage system produced massive profits with virtually no overhead. But in these times, mere slavery is not enough. Today’s ever-increasing frenzy to generate mega-hyper-wealth has produced a bold new idea: slaves should pay their masters for the honor of working.

“Why let your slaves work for free?” said Confederologist Stan Pickens “We should charge them for their labor.”

“Think of it as ‘trickle-up’ economics,” explained slavery professor Hank Bloatman. For every bale of cotton, we charge them $200. For every toilet cleaned, $25. For every mile of sidewalk swept, $75. It’s a win-win situation. For us!”

In “CEO’s versus Slaves,” the Supreme Court upheld the case that slaves should pay their masters in a resounding 7 – 2 decision. The dissenting opinion was written by bleeding-heart liberal justice Lefty McSensitive. “America isn’t a plantation economy," said Lefty, "billionaires shouldn’t enrich themselves by keeping down the poorest members of society.”

“We’re not keeping them down,” posted hyper-billionaire Chad McSmegma on Twitter: “we’re simply giving them the privilege of paying us to work for us.” The Dow Jones shot through the roof as a result of Chad’s tweet.

Congress passed the Bondage-Fee into law almost unanimously. Wealthy slave owners across America high-fived and chest-bumped each other in a night-long drunken celebration complete with fireworks, pig roasts and hookers, all paid for by slaves.

President Donald Trump Jr. boasted: “Think about it. If the Confederacy had charged their slaves, the South would have had enough money to kick those cotton-pickin’ Yankees to the curb and win the war!”

But slaves don’t see the logic of this lucrative new policy. “I’m dead broke!” explained lifelong slave Jefferson Tubbs. “My master can bill me all he wants, but he can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.”

Mr. Tubbs was tossed into debtor’s prison, where he now resides along with 250 million other broke slaves. But America’s slaves need not despair. Congress just passed the Baby-Bailout Law. Now, slaves who can’t afford to work for their masters can sell their children to pay off their bills and restore their credit rating.

America’s economy roared like a freight train, bulldozing past every other economy in the world to become #1! Six months later, it collapsed from a heart attack, banged its head on the coffee table and died.

Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume