For years, medications have had pleasant, comfortable-sounding names designed to make you feel trusting and willing to swallow them without any question. They sound like the latest model sports cars: Prozac, Celebrex, Metolazone, Serequil, Viagra. Take them out for a joy ride. Side effects? Worry about it tomorrow.

But a new trend is now sweeping the country: honestly named drugs. Pharmasux, the leading medication giant, is releasing dozens of new pills that actually do what they say.

“We’re very excited about this year’s lineup,” said CEO Eric Von Phlegmburger, “Our flagship drug, Diarrheazone®, is sure to make a big splash this holiday season. Just take 3 pills daily, and you’ll be in the “Diarrhea Zone” through New Years Day! Side effects? None.”

Scratchyourskinaway® is literally jumping off the shelves. Take 2 pills, or as directed by your doctor, and you’ll itch so badly you’ll scratch your skin away. “I love Scratchyourskinaway®,” said skinless pill popper Jared Wackman,  “It’s scratch-tastic!” Side effects? None.

Shrinkyourdinkazine® is a powerful new Erectile Function disabler. Tired of your male prowess? Now you can shrink your dink in minutes. This powerful new pill will diminish your manhood to the size of a chickpea. Guaranteed to ruin any romantic evening. Shrinkyourdinkazine®. Available in 4 ego-crushing colors.

The honest drug movement has turned the whole industry on its head. “We’ve been making a fortune by deceiving our customers,” explained Pharmasux CEO Eric Von Phlegmburger. “Now we can double our profits with brutal honesty.”

Another hot new pill, Suicideaquil®, is being praised for its straightforward branding. Take one capsule in the morning, and you’ll blow your brains out by afternoon. Suicideaquil® gets rid of depression almost instantly. Now available in breath-freshening peppermint.

And for those who love depression and just can’t seem to get enough, there’s now Depressalexin®. Simply swallow 2 greyish-beige Depressalexin® tablets, and you’ll be curled up in fetal position on the bathroom floor for days. Depression guaranteed! Side effects include healthy bowel movements, clear vision, enlightenment, and bouts of happiness. If happiness persists for more than 4 hours, consult your physician.

Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume