Christianity, one of religion’s largest manufacturers, is recalling over 30 million defective Christians. The announcement came amid reports of catastrophic failures with the latest release of the product.

“We want to emphasize that our brand is still solid and dependable,” said Christianity CEO Warren Godsworth. “We are only recalling defective units who jeopardize society."

The unprecedented recall came after mass-outbreaks of blindness threatened to shut the country down. Unable to see beyond their own eyelids, hordes of defective Christians were convinced beyond a doubt that nothing else existed. This liberated them from the burden of Christian values, like decency and tolerance.

"It’s like a protective airbag that explodes and kills its passenger,” explained CEO Warren Godsworth. “Isn’t that the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to do?”

The defect was traced to a design flaw in the brain circuitry. The problem units were missing the components for irony, empathy and compassion. Furthermore, they had been infected with malware that spread anger, misogyny, homophobia and gun fetishes. “It’s just a bad batch,” explained factory worker Calvin Cleghorn.

The government declined to help, claiming that “defective Christians are the white glue that holds this country together.”

And so, the embattled religion is embarking on a massive publicity campaign to boost its image. “We’re The Nice Religion” said one of their billboards. Another one read  “Christianity: The Bad Ones Make All the Noise”. Christianity’s original founder, Jesus H. Christ even offered to come back to Earth and clean house.

“You don’t want a car on the road with no brakes and no steering wheel,” said a visibly frustrated Mr. Christ. “And you especially don’t want 30 million of them.”

But there is hope. Christianity plans to recall all 30 million defective units, re-install them with kindness, love and respect for their planet, and release them back onto the street by Christmas.


Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume