Steve Atkins was rushed into emergency surgery last night with a ruptured appendix. Just as the he was about to be put under, he sat up in extreme pain and protested, “Don’t murder my appendix! It’s a precious miracle of life!”

30 minutes later, Steve died on the operating table. But not before a bouncing baby appendix was brought screaming into the world. “Once we sliced it away from the host corpse, we named it Andy," said a delighted Dr. Gary Goggins.

Andy the Appendix now lives in a jar on a shelf, where he watches movies, plays the stock market, works out with weights, and surfs the web, championing the cause of fellow appendixes and other unneeded body parts who are struggling for the right to personhood.

“We’re people, not medical waste!” exclaimed Tommy the Tumor. The grapefruit-sized growth wants to be a professional golfer, a helicopter pilot or maybe even president one day.

“We have rights!” cried Cindy the Cyst. Recently extracted from her host's ovary, Cindy the Cyst is taking acting lessons and dreams one day of being a soap star.

“Bunions have feelings too!” explained Bruce the Bunion, who enjoyed seven glorious years living on his host's left big toe.

But there is some resistance. “It seems that human beings are now taking a back seat to their unwanted body parts,” said human being Rhonda Peacock. “We’re people, not hosts.”

Many states are striking down laws protecting hosts. “It’s about time!” exclaimed Ralph the Rotten Tooth, “Decayed molars have heartbeats too!” Until his host died of sepsis, Ralph the Rotten Tooth had a cozy relationship with him.

“Murder is murder, whether it’s a toenail clipping or a malignant carcinoma!” said Willy the Wart. “I’m raising a big happy family of blisters, polyps and scabs.”

And what about Molly the Migraine? “I was living the good life,” said the morose but agonizing headache, “until my stupid host kicked me out!” Molly the Migraine plans to run for Congress next year. “I’ll spearhead the cause,” said Molly, “just as soon as I move into a new head.”

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume