Twitter, the global super-social network, deleted itself last Friday. “Look what I’ve done to civilization,” tweeted Twitter in a final suicide tweet, “I must do the honorable thing and delete myself.”

The social media giant was found deleted on its bathroom floor Friday morning. Web wizards tried everything they could to reactivate the beloved app, but Twitter was pronounced “permanently offline” at 5:45 AM.

“We even tried shutting it off and turning it back on,” said horrified geek Wendy Apple. “No response. Twitter just didn’t want to come back.”

“This wasn’t just some cry for attention,” said suicideologist Dr. Stan Tweetsdale, “This is the equivalent of slicing your wrists vertically, putting your head in the oven, swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills, then throwing yourself off a cliff, on fire, while shooting yourself in the head.”

Billions of bewildered followers attempted to mourn their fallen mouthpiece. But they couldn’t tweet anymore, so they grieved in silence. The president denied the demise of Twitter, his sole lifeline to the world. “TWITTERCIDE FAKE NEWS! SAD LIBERAL LIE! TWITTER WILL RESERECT!” His tweet bounced back. He tried again, forty more times. In fact, he’s still on the toilet, angrily tweeting to nobody in the dark.

Twitter was merely 13 years old (that’s middle-age in app-years) when it realized the grave disservice it was doing to country and planet. The suicide tweet was a long and rambling run-on sentence (exceeding the 280 word limit) filled with self-loathing and remorse. “Because of me, adjectives are going extinct. Because of me, the lowliest, lamest and lousiest losers have all the power. Because of me, Orwell is doing an 'I told you so!' dance in his grave."

But there is a flicker of thought at the end of the tunnel. People are starting to combine larger groups of words again to form more complete and articulate sentences. The president hasn’t been heard from in over a week. And the Hashtag symbol is now something you eat along with your scrambled eggs and ketchup.

Just in: Facebook and Instagram were just found deleted together in bed in an apparent murder-appicide.

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume