Communists. Socialists. Islamists. Feminists. Terrorists. Scientists. For years, Americans feared that these shadowy demons would conspire to bring down the United States government. The only way to keep America standing tall and her enemies at bay: salute the flag and pray for your president.
But this week, while everyone had their hands on their hearts, the United States Government overthrew itself.
“In football terms, this was the ultimate end-run,” explained high school coach Jeb Hawkins.
“God beat those commies to the punch!” yelled flag-flapping patriot Shank McWhiffle.
No foreign armies. No alien espionage. No brown-skinned border crossers. The United States government brought itself to its knees in plain sight. And the victims of the self-overthrow thumped their chests in blind celebration.
One by one, the organs of government were carved away and sold on the dark web. And the government-appointed surgeon was cloaked in the bloody Stars and Stripes as he operated.
“As long as there’s baby-back ribs and NASCAR, no one will care!” explained chief overthrow strategist Dr. Glow Skull. A massive state-sponsored tailgate party kept the citizens happy and drunk for a week, until invasion and occupation from within was complete. The next day, food and gasoline ran out, and the new government ordered a National Call to Prayer.
The treasury was emptied, the nation’s wealth transferred to the offshore personal accounts of the ruling junta. Elected bodies were dissolved and replaced with cardboard mannequin lookalikes. And the military kneeled for the Cross.
The news was abolished. The media broadcasted continuous loops of lip-gloss advice from YouTube stars and celebrity hair do’s and don’ts. The population was mesmerized by MTV’s latest reality hit “Teen Grandma” while their Social Security and Medicare vanished.
Any protests were instantly squashed and went unreported. Hunger was declared a virtue. Women reported willingly to rape farms to produce soldiers for the Army of Christ.
Finally, the last American died of starvation. And loyalty.
The United States had surrendered. To itself.
