(by Presidential decree)



Last week, Jennifer Conway shoplifted three bottles of Jack Daniels, then plowed through a stop sign at 75 miles per hour, drunk, into a school bus full of children. When asked why, she simply replied, “Because I can.”

Last night, Derrick Chumpton cheated at Monopoly. When his friends called him out on it, he upended the table and assaulted them with a steel baseball bat. When they pressed charges, he lawyered up. Mr. Chumpton was awarded $20 million on grounds of personal harassment and slander.

Ever since law was declared illegal by Presidential decree, Americans have been free to steal, cheat, rape, collude, shoot and kill to their heart’s content. “Crime isn’t a crime. It’s a right!” is today’s most popular dick tattoo.

“We stand behind the president in declaring law illegal,” said lawmaker Buck Winch (R). “Anyone found committing the crime of obeying the law will be punished to the full extent of the law!”

Now that law is a crime, the courts have been dissolved. Judges have been laid off. And police have been given military grade weapons for their enjoyment. Lady Justice doormats, ashtrays and toilet paper have been selling like bullets.

“Laws are lame limp lumps of lard for losers and little old ladies!” shouted Braxton Bootstrap as he looted a soup kitchen and a hospice.

“Subpoenas are for sissies,” said state murder champion Hank Strong, “indictments are for idiots.”

The uptick in head-on collisions, bank robberies and mass shootings has been described as “good for the country” by Fox News. All stop signs and traffic signals are scheduled for removal nationwide by the end of the week.

And then this morning, 55-year-old Robin Wimple paid her taxes, walked her dog on a leash and came to a full stop at the intersection. She was set upon by twelve police tanks and hauled away in a canvas bag, never to be seen again.

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume