(Be the fastest breeder on YOUR block!)



With nearly 8 billion people, the Earth is beyond its carrying capacity. Precious natural resources are being devoured faster than they can be replaced. So how should humanity confront this grave challenge? Simple: breed faster and consume more.

Get ready for Speed Breeding®! It’s the hottest new craze for the ultra zealous hyper- breeder.  With Speed Breeding®, you can deliver up to a dozen live healthy babies at a time, in only a fraction of the time!

“Who has 9 months to waste, gestating a single fetus?” said Speed Breeder Norma Gloatburg. “In less than a week, I put out several litters, and I'm ready to reload.”
Developed by a group of fundamentalist fertility engineers, Speed Breeding® allows the host vessel to bring forth a whole new generation in the same time it takes to build an IKEA cabinet.

Why go forth and multiply when you can go forth and multiply the multiplying? “Oh the numbers just make me dizzy!” giggled 19-year-old great-great-grandmother Daisy Hinkle.

And for you fathers out there, just guzzle one can of Speed Breed Brew®, and your semen becomes hyper-fertile jet fuel. “I just weaponized my dick!” exclaimed Bruce Bebb, father of 12,000.

In fact, Speed Breeding is now a competitive sport. The National Speed Breeding Championship will be held next month, with 3-time winners Vinnie and Vicky Viagra hoping to smash records. “We have a whole new area code just for our immediate family!” smiled a newly pregnant (again) Mrs. Viagra.

And why stop at Speed Breeding®? Now there's also Speed-Eating®! New technology allows you to become twice as hungry and require ten times as much food. “I used to eat 3 huge meals a day,” said champion Speed Eater Matthew Mouthful. “Now I hyper-binge 24-7, even while I’m speed breeding.” Stocks have soared for the diaper and beef industries.

What about the Earth’s carrying capacity? “Forget about it,” chuckled Speed Breeding Founder Braxton Ballsack III, “We hope to cover the planet 3-deep in babies by Christmas.”

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume