Trillionaire garbage mogul Gobbs Hankleworth sent shockwaves around the world last month when he bought the rights to the letter "R". He purchased the letter for a modest twenty five million dollars, and now citizens the world over will be required to pay a licensing fee whenever they use "R" in any and all forms.
"We're really pleased", said Hankleworth's chief of staff. "This is a new frontier in the free market. This just proves that anyone can make it in America."
With Congress' passage of the Unlimited Ownership Law last year, everything is now up for grabs, from strains of DNA, to species of domestic or farm animals, to yoga postures, to the very words we speak. In fact, this very sentence you are reading will require a licensing fee of nine dollars and seventy three cents, plus tax. Oops. Nine dollars seventy six cents now.
The fee for speaking, writing or reading the letter "R" is a very modest three cents per usage. With every 200 usages, the customer gets a five percent discount. Hankleworth Enterprises spokesman Jebb Snappleton says it's a bargain. "Three cents. Any bum can afford that! You've got a problem with that? Stop using the letter "R"!"
Angry citizens are seeking to bring a challenge to the Unlimited Ownership Law. "The letter R is a right, not a privilege!", says schoolteacher Liz Jennings. Mrs. Jennings currently has a lien on her house for non payment of over 2,746 usages of "R" over the last month.
In fact, untold numbers of citizens are losing their homes, and winding up in debtor's prison. Inmates are being re-educated on how "to avoid using the letter between Q and S". Some methods include boot camp, solitary confinement, and shock therapy. 12 step programs are springing up everywhere as well.
"I am not a thief or a mercenary" said Gobbs Hankleworth from Oahu, his newly purchased private island. "I am an innovator. I see an opportunity and I grab it. I see fortune where others see boundaries. The alphabet is the Wild West, and I'm its cowboy!"
Are there special exceptions or discounts for low income and disabled people? Hankleworth Enterprises offers a special program, which requires a seventy page application and five forms of (current) picture I.D. The normal 3¢ fee is discounted to 2.187¢ per "R". "This is our way of reaching out and showing we care", said Gobbs from his penthouse atop the Eiffel Tower.
Several nations, including Iceland, Andorra and Switzerland have declared themselves "Free R Zones", where anyone can speak write and read without fear of persecution. Mr. Hanklewroth plans to solve this "problem" by simply buying these "small, affordable" nations.
"What's next?", said Gobbs Hankleworth at a press conference aboard his floating private ski resort. "Well," he chuckled, "there are twenty five more letters left in the alphabet."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume