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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:
IRAN DEMOLISHED TO MAKE WAY FOR A NEW WALMART

 

 
 


Iran was demolished today to make way for a new Walmart and adjoining shopping complex. The Islamic Republic had long been in the crosshairs of the colossal retail giant. But with a presidential re-election under way, the timing couldn’t be better. “With Iran cleared out, we can now get to work on erecting the hugest Walmart the world has ever seen.” said Demolition Secretary Cletus Bullhorn.

But this didn’t sit well with snooty, brainy, liberal types. “You’re wiping out a whole culture,” complained intellectual Angela Sunshine. “you’re destroying an ancient historical region, and for what? Everyday low prices?

“And there’ll be plenty of parking too!” replied executive Champion Hunter. “We’re talking thousands of square miles of fresh asphalt. Just don’t forget where you parked, and return your shopping carts to the designated drop-off area.”

Once the debris (cities, historical sites, mountains, lakes, people) has been bulldozed away, crews will fast-track construction of the mega-store (and its parking lot). “This will be the first 20,000-aisle Walmart”, explained Brock Fullforce. “Customers will be able to purchase everything life has to offer. Plus it’s much closer to China, where all the stuff is made!”

Bombing began six weeks ago, to soften up the real estate and to secure the president’s re-election. The displaced population of 81 million Iranians was detained and prosecuted for trespassing on Walmart property.

“We’ll just hire them as door-greeters and pay them 75¢ an hour,” said business expert Chortle Vanderhoof.

But there’s more progress on the horizon. Next fall, The U.S. plans to flatten Afghanistan and turn it into a giant Waffle House.

 
Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume