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ogacenter.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

BREAKING ANTI NEWS:
MAN DIES AT WHEEL OF DRIVERLESS CAR

 

 
 


Derrick Snopes, a 54 year-old man, got behind the wheel of his new driverless car, and programmed it to drive him from Los Angeles to Boston. This would be a record-setter: a fully GPS-controlled road trip across the entire country. As Derrick backed out of his driveway, he pulled out his iPad and started streaming his favorite TV show, checking his Facebook, and trading his investment stocks online. Then he had a massive stroke and died.
  
The Tesla and its dead occupant proceeded westbound on Wilshire for ten more blocks, where it got onto the southbound 405 Freeway. It set itself on cruise control, gently shoving its way through traffic for 3 more miles before it merged onto the eastbound 10 Freeway.

The corpse laid back, eyes open, jaw agape, tongue hanging partly out. Other drivers didn’t take notice. The Tesla picked up speed, weaving between a couple of big rigs before throttling up to 80 mph. Derrick’s head flopped right, then left. A string of drool dribbled onto his chest.

Halfway to Vegas, the driverless car sensed it was low on charge. The Tesla and its cadaver pulled into a charging station. A robot attendant plugged the car in for about 45 minutes. Meanwhile, Derrick was starting to smell.

The Tesla rolled its windows down automatically as it sped through the desert. Derrick was good and ripe as he crossed the Rockies. In Kansas he started to bloat. In Illinois, Derrick was attracting swarms of flies. But the driverless car continued to navigate perfectly.

Until it ran a stop sign in New Jersey. Police pursued the vehicle and its rotting owner in a dramatic high-speed chase that crossed several state lines. Finally, the Tesla screeched to a halt in Boston. “You have arrived at your destination,” announced the soft female GPS voice. Police surrounded the car, guns drawn. Derrick collapsed, putrescent, out onto the street where he was cited posthumously for reckless driving.

The Tesla was detailed and auctioned off. Its next owner died at the wheel from a heart attack. But he safely dropped his kids off at school and made it to work on time.

 
Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume