(Compress them into a souvenir!)



For years, the death industry has encouraged grieving families to cremate their loved ones. It’s simple and relatively cheap, and you get a nice little box of ashes that the whole family can share.

But what can you do with a box of ashes? Stare at them? Shake them around? Boring!! Get ready for a whole new way to appreciate your dead uncle. Introducing Ash-Tastic®! Now you can turn that deceased relative into a delightful keepsake. The breakthrough Ash-Tastic® method heat-compresses your beloved's ashes into a custom-shaped souvenir that will last forever!

Simply go online and select from our huge menu of Ash-Tastic® options.

“We sure do miss grandpa!” said grieving granddaughter Matilda Johnson. “So we compressed him into a hockey puck!” Every winter the family swats grandpa around on the ice for some playful competition. “He was a great hockey player. Now he’ll always be part of the game.”

“Aunt Betty loved her coffee,” said nephew Biff Wilmott. “Now she’s been compressed into a coffee mug.”  Everyone passes Aunt Betty around the table, sipping hot coffee from her. “It tastes even better, because it’s Betty!”

And for only $100 more, you can engrave your loved one’s name right onto their Ash-Tastic® memento . “Cousin Paul was hit by a bus. Now I wear him as a belt buckle,” said cousin Ted, showing off his classic Ash-Tastic® belt buckle, engraved with Cousin Paul’s name and epitaph.

Family members mourned the death of old Uncle Bart, who died of lung cancer. “Now Uncle Bart is a beautiful ashtray,” said weepy niece Willa Watts. “And he adorns our coffee table, so we can always remember his wheezy coughing spells.”

So compress your dearly departed’s ashes into something awesome today with Ash-Tastic®! Immortalize them as a steering wheel, a mouse pad, a doorstop, a dog dish, a kickstand, a flower pot, a screwdriver, and much, much more!

“Life just isn’t the same now that my husband’s dead,” said widow and pothead Nellie McSwiff. “But now that he’s a bong, I can load him up and smoke him every day.”

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume