In the wake of this week’s multiple mass shootings, The United States has raised its domestic terror threat level to “red". This marks the first time the nation has been put on the highest possible alert for domestic terror attacks since last week.

“America had several massacre-free days ,” said activist Marcia Whipple, “now it’s home-grown back-to-back bloodbaths all over again.”

With the domestic terror-level at “red”, citizens are advised to stock up on ammunition, and keep their firearms loaded with the safety off. “Be vigilant,” said expert marksman Kyle Hopps, “you never know when a deranged white racist American male in his early twenties might spray you with bullets.”

The heightened state of alert also gives the federal government special powers to “relax, pray, and wait around for another mass shooting”.

“Our national security is in jeopardy,” explained Secretary of Apathy Clarence Bongworth. “The last thing we need to do is step in and get involved.” The Department of Thoughts and Prayers responded to the heightened threat level by issuing a record number of thoughts and prayers.

“I miss the days when the domestic terror level was merely ‘orange’”, said nostalgic news junkie Blake Sniff. Orange was removed from the color-coded system because the president found the color “offensive” and “stupid”.

And so, America is looking around every corner, hiding under every bed, and crouching in every closet, waiting to be attacked by Americans.

The next day the Department of Amnesia dropped the domestic terror alert, and issued a “call for forgetfulness”.  “Please un-concern yourselves”, said Amnesia Secretary Kevin Balderdash. “And prepare for the homosexual-muslim-socialist-negro tsunami that’s headed our way.


Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume