It’s official. As of noon yesterday, the top one hundredth of 1% now own all 100% of the world’s wealth. Every asset, commodity, stock, bond, precious metal and unit of currency has been successfully pilfered from the other 99.99% of the population. “We finally did it,” said hyper-mogul Alpha Smackdown III, “Everything belongs to us!”
Homelessness, unemployment and cannibalism are up 100%. The media can no longer report on the economic cataclysm (due to lack of funds), so the problem doesn’t officially exist.
“Sure, we now own every last drop of wealth on the planet,” said quadrillionaire Champion Powers from one of his solid ivory mega-yachts, “but the thrill is gone. There's nothing left to steal.”
The final theft was a roll of pennies from a 12-year-old girl’s sock drawer. “We sniffed it out, and withdrew it while she was sleeping,” gloated Wealth Wizard Winthorpe Wigglesworth. The roll of pennies was stealthily deposited in an offshore account in the Seychelles, after being laundered through real-estate pipelines in Ukraine, Hong Kong, Luxembourg and Gibraltar before being dispersed among fifty different shell companies in the Caribbean by way of an LLC registered in Delaware protected by a shadow corporation in Nevada.
Whole nations are destitute. Treasuries have been drained. Bank accounts have been emptied. Pensions, 401k’s, annuities, life insurance plans, stock portfolios, wallets, mattresses and piggy-banks have all been sucked dry in a slow motion mega-heist that has left the planet dead broke.
“Hey, it’s business,” explained Clarence Grab, Minister of Money Laundering. All the money in the world is now hidden in a bottomless spiral of mirrored labyrinths spread out over 140 countries, nested in a chain of invisible digital clouds and encrypted financial instruments hidden behind a legal firewall that even God couldn’t breach.
“We’ve squirreled away our money so well, even we have trouble finding it!” chuckled money magician Braxton Slithers.
And what to do with the stolen wealth of the entire world? “Simple,” explained Shill Whoreburg of the Key Kleptocrat Klub (K.K.K.), “Now that we own everything, we can start stealing from each other.”
