The President officially re-inaugurated himself today in a huge ceremony on the Capitol Steps. The flag-festooned confetti-speckled “hyper-American super-event” brought traffic to a standstill for nine hours. “Hey, I needed something to re-celebrate,” said the bored president, as hundreds of fighter jets screamed overhead through a mushroom cloud-shaped fireworks display with a giant flaming “president’s face” glowering down over the city.

“This makes my first inauguration look like sissy-time,” gloated the president. “Over 100 billion people stampeded to see me, dead or alive. Standing room only, clear to the horizon. And they applauded me for 6 days without even stopping to inhale!”

The re-inauguration cost taxpayers $67 trillion, which drained the U.S. Treasury in one afternoon. It included a 21-thousand-gun salute, a 35-mile long coal train, a mile-high redwood cross on tank treads, an Alaskan forest (trucked into D.C. for the day, then burned), and finally, the live-televised invasion of Greenland.

“Greenland will be defrosted and drilled to the bone, baby,” promised a smiling president.

About 20 bewildered spectators showed up in the drizzle, scratched their heads, and went home. “At least they were handing out free drizzle,” said an unimpressed D.C. resident.

Ted Nugent administered the oath of office. The president swore to uphold his sacred duty, which was sealed in a Ziploc baggie. He then sold his sacred duty on eBay to a white evangelical family for $17,000.

But many saw the colossal re-inauguration as a waste of time and money. “He’s just re-crowning himself again while the country circles the drain,” complained sensitive liberal Snowflake McSniffle.

Snowflake McSniffle and several hundred other “brain-fags” will be paraded through the capital in iron cages during the president’s next re-re-inauguration, 2 weeks from now.

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume