Customers are already camping out in front of Apple Stores. In six days, they hope to be the first to own iSuck, Apple's hottest new 'smart' device. Based on revolutionary new technology, the small black featureless hockey puck shaped thing will fit snugly inside the user's mouth. After thirty seconds of sucking, iSuck will swell up, preventing speech and cutting off mouth breathing. It then delivers a 1200 calorie per hour dose of high fructose corn syrup to the digestive tract.

The remarkable device has no buttons, no smart screen, and no pretty lights. It's just a giant black lozenge. iSuck will drain your self esteem, and prevent you from expressing your own thoughts, while fattening you up for the alien takeover of the human race.

"I've got to have my iSuck!", said iEnthusiast Brittany Derfton. "I don't know what it does, but it's so sleek and hip, and will fit perfectly into my mouth!" Brittany and hundreds of others have been waiting for several weeks outside in the sleet to get their hands on the new iSuck.

The long term effects of iSuck remain a mystery. But alien forces on planet Gwakquix-355 are looking forward to harvesting a race of plump, juicy and sedate humans in several years. Executives at Apple declined to comment.
"Boycott iSuck!" chanted protesters outside a Denver Apple store. "This is just another clever means of enslaving the population!" said angry activist Thelma Wikkins. "Plus I'd have to get a new rhinestone iCozy for this newfangled piece of iCrap."

In fact, Apple plans to roll the new iCrap by Valentine's Day. The sleek new device allows one to text, phone, play games and even surf the web from their butt. iCrap fits neatly into the user's rectum, and even comes with an app that makes their farts smell like jasmine, sandalwood, peppermint, or new car.

Apple plans to roll out a whole slate of new devices this coming year. The iBlow is a 600 dollar ziplock bag. Users can blow their noses into it, and it's Bluetooth ready. It's great for the crazy busy you - when you've got the flu!

The iForget is a snappy little device that inserts into the user's neck. Delete your entire memory, your grammar, your piano lessons, and even your childhood for only $1200. And for the upscale customer, iForget 2.0 can also delete your personality as well.

And this Christmas, get ready for iWipe! Why mess with a 75¢ roll of toilet paper when you've got iWipe? Sanitize your derriere with this stylish $1500 handheld device. And when you're done, iWipe also comes with earbuds and holds up to 55,000 of your favorite tunes!

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume