Last night, the full moon came up in all its glory. As it cast its celestial glow upon the Earth, it also reminded us that erectile dysfunction is a thing of the past. Order a Viagra six-pack today and save 50%. The performance-enhancement message reached 4.5 billion people in under six hours.

Introducing InfiniTron®, the final word in ultra-high visibility advertising. “Billboards, blimps and banners are all fine,” explained advertising expert Dr. Slick Lovejoy, “but if you really want a captive audience, throw it up on the moon!”

The Moon and other celestial bodies now tell us what to eat, what shows to watch, what songs to like, how to lose that tummy, and how to find enlightenment with extra cheese. Just gaze up into the sky and consume.

InfiniTron® is basically a JumboTron on steroids, crack, crank, meth and bath-salts, with a pinch of nitro. “It’s kind of like an atomic death-ray combined with the Bat-signal,” said Dr. Lovejoy.  “You can project anything you want, on anything you want, as far away as you want!”

Astronomers gazing at Mars now get to see a giant ad for the latest CGI Disney remake (coming soon). Gaze at Saturn and you’ll know that Snickers really satisfies. And the Starbucks logo now covers the entire surface of Jupiter. Forget about the Giant Red Spot. Now it’s the Butternut Caramel Toffee Cold Brew Spot. It’s what the solar system craves.

But InfiniTron® isn’t just for Earthlings anymore. “There’s a whole frikkin’ universe out there!” explained CEO Clarence McBigstick. “Countless alien civilizations across the galaxy need to know that their product will stay crunchier in milk, get rid of those unwanted odors, eliminate toe fungus, provide a unique driving experience, and satisfy your lover all night long.

And now, InfiniTron® officially endorses the president in his re-coronation attempt.  The president will have his face projected right onto the sun. “I am your Sun King," boasted the president to his followers, “Gaze up at me and bask in my glory.” His followers obeyed, and they all went blind.

Anti News ©2020 Chris Hume